In Sickness and in health

Its your marriage counselor here again. The past few months (especially the last two)have been an eye opener in terms of having a taster to what marriage is all about. It started unraveling a few days before we were due to go to nigeria for the traditional wedding. I had noticed a tiny rash on my elbow that refused to go away and annoyingly it was spreading across my hand. The follwing day I went to superdrugs with the intention of getting E45 and out of curiosity I decided to ask the pharmacist what the rash was, the pharmacist happened to be a nigerian lady, Teni( from her name badge) and she was alright looking i still dont know if i am allowed to call another woman pretty so i am playing it safe. She was alright. Teni looked at my elbow and I could see the disgust look on her face even if it only lasted for a mini second before she composed herself to be professional. 

Yeah that looks like Ringworm. 

Excuse me? Ringworm.

Yeah you have Ringworm.

I cant have ringworm! I am too cool for ringworm!

The disgusted look came back, this time lasting more that a mini second, infact it lasted more than it should have for a pharmacist. Screw you Teni, looking at me like as if i came to you with leprosy, i am getting married in a week and my wife loves me, ringworm or no ringworm, our love is true. She recommended a cream which I thought was too tiny leading me to ask for a bigger size, I explained to her that I was going to nigeria in a couple of days and I need the cream to last me during me stay. It was at this point that her face went from disgust to worried and then pity.

You are going to nigeria?

Yes ke

Ringworm spreads exponentially with sweat and humidity

What?!!

Yes, it will likely spread when you are in Nigeria

What?!! But I am going there to get married!

The drive home was the longest drive of my life, how will I break the news to my wife? As usual she was happy to see my when I came in, hugging me from the door and we walk to the sitting room with me essentially carrying her with my neck and back i dont know how long thats going to last cos I am developing back pain and i found myself praying that she is not in a jolly mood when i get in just so i can walk in without feeling like I am carrying a 50 something kg pendant around my neck lai se rapper. Tiwa, we need to talk. We have to cancel the wedding in lagos.

What??!!

 I am dying babes

What?!!!! Ope what’s wrong?

Doctor said I have ringworm and if I go to nigeria it will engulf me.

I was taken back by the volume of the laughter that filled the room, which was weird cos I ve learnt to decipher the different types of laughs that emanates from her mouth, this was new, this was scary, this was a cynical laugh and its going on longer than normal, her lungs might give in, she might laugh herself to death, she is in danger of dying, I have to help her.

Tiwa please stop, why are you laughing???

*hahahahahahahahaha Ringworm hahahahahahahah….you have lapalapa on your body hahahahahahahahhahahaahahahha* 

I still dont get it

*hahahahahaha…whenever I tell you not to wear the same shirt to the office 5 days in a roll or that you should go and bath when you come from the gym you ignore me hahahahahahahaah* now God has bestowed on you the smirftest skin disease there is *hahahahahahahahaha its so ironi..

Babes its contagious 

.

Songs that make me wanna touch myself

If you can’t tell from the title, this is a disgusting post so heads up. I gave Tiwa to review and she was like

So you are going to post this perverted thing abi.

Qui.

I almost died today you know, almost had a head on collision and I was so shook. I just kept imagining the convo with St. Peter at the pearly gates

S.P: Dude you are early what happened?

Me: I don’t know, I was in a car crash

S.P: How? angels were watching the car

Me: Yea but I kinda closed my eyes

S.P: Nigga why?!

Me: I was listening to It’s all about me by Mya.

S.P: So?

Me:…………..

S.P: Speak up nigga

Me: I was touching myself

S.P: Obviously you don’t belong in heaven, hell is that way

And I just like that I will get banished to hell fire!! It was scary. But in my defense the song makes me feel somehow. Lemme try and explain. I don’t know what a female orgasm feels like, but there are some songs that as soon as it comes on, I imagine myself as a woman, in bed lights off, in a star shape, and the song transforms into a dude and starts fucking me through my ears and with every verse and hook I am throwing my head back and grabbing the sheets and touching myself I am moaning yes ohhh…gimme a min. Sorry for that picture I just painted in your head 😂. Anyways “it’s all about me” by mya is one of these songs, which leads nicely to the list of songs that make me wanna.

• Red light special by TLC: Quick trivia, a guy wrote this song. Baby face, baby face is woke! Check this out:

Take a good look at it…Look at it now…Might be the last time you’ll ve a go round…I’ll let you touch it if you’d like to go down…I’ll let you go further if you take the southern route…don’t go too fast..dont go too slow..You’ve got to let your body flow…I like ’em attentive..and I like ’em in control..Baby it’s yours….All yours…If you want it tonight…I’ll give you the red light special…All through the night….Just come through my door….Take off my clothes…And turn on the red light

• Slow kisses by Joe: I know what you are thinking…if I am gonna put a song up by Joe it should be “All the things”and you’d be right but there is something slow kisss cos it’s the ultimate tease song that leaves you gasping for breath and wanting more that by the end of the track you are just like…COMMON JOE!

• One on One by Keith sweat: Dude started by saying “do that little thing I like, bend down and touch your toes”..say no more Keith 

•  Untitled by D’ Angelo: This song made me question my sexuality (I mean I know you are questioning my sexuality cos of this post) but this song is something else. Have you seen the video? Sure you have…even Tiwa knows the video…lemme remind you

Thats right I had to put a GIF…at some point I legit tried to peep…lemme move on

• Pony by Ginuwine: I only have one regret in life, I didnt lose my virginity with this song playing in the background. So naturally I only have one aim in life: to make sure my son gets laid for the first time with this song in the background. I dont know how I will manage it but I have failed as a father if this does not happen.
  
• Its all about me by Mya: Well stupid song almost got me killed..what was I thinking…well I will tell you…I was in a room wearing a kimono with nothing under in a candle-lighted room..rose petals on the bed..hair smelling like heaven (i was a woman in this awesome day dream) and then the music starts playing and the male version of myself enters , cos obviously I am omnisexual and the female me starts quoting Mya “tonight its about me me me me me forget about you you you you so what you gon do do do do do are you gonna get it up” and the male me starts grunting like sisqo…it was getting heavy and intense….next thing I heard was a horn blasting (and white people dont blast their horns)…and I was brought back to earth. Fucking song.
• Stroke you up by changing faces: Erm this is a “touching yourself” instructional song right…right…surely it is..abi…cos if its not eh…actually lemme stop here.

 

 

Ramblings of a Mad man

Cos thats what this post is. I have not posted something for a while so I am just gonna be rambling on with no aim and I apologize in advance if your time is wasted by doing this. I tried to continue the religion post but I lost the draft and I cant be arsed to start again, I will come back to it and the “testimony” I promise.

Wedding prep is going on, but to be fair I have not been involved (not in the traditional sense of the man is not involved in the planning, God knows she has been trying to get me to plan with her but we are already technically married and we are now living together, the only thing I am excited about is the honeymoon). I have been inviting people casually (you are all invited LOL) and everyone keep asking me about aso ebi and I am going: 

Whats that? To be fair they explained why there is a need for aso ebi, nobody wants to come to the wedding looking random and out of place, which makes sense. So I thought fair enough I’d ask my wife about aso ebi. Tiwa then explained the process to me. I get a material and get people to buy it from me. Laugh with me please.

Let me get this straight, I will source a material from (I cannot even pretend to know where you get it from) and I will hold the material and tell people to buy from me? What is the other option.

You can look for a tailor and they can sow directly from him so it will be the same material at least. Hmm yeah you are getting warmer with the options..what is option 3 please

you can just get them to wear the color of the day! BINGO!!!!! What is the color of the day please.

Royal Blue :

And Coral Yellow:

There we have it. Its not long, so if you are wondering about aso ebi, Forget about option 1, that is not gonna happen in a billion years, option 2..hmmm we will see. But you cant go wrong with option three. Wear royal blue or coral yellow (what the hell is cor..hmm there is a picture of it I guess). I am having a hard time already coordinating groomsmen..I am not about to do the same for friends,hell no.

Tiwa will probably have a go at me about this next one. Presents. You see, I like travelling light. People know this about me whenever I am coming down to lagos: Ope help me brin…Hol up, ask yourself the magic question, will it fit into my carry on luggage? Cos I dont check bags in. The last person that made me check a bag in was my mum, after she reminded me she carried me in her womb for nine months with fibroid and the least I could do was drop a bag on a belt and pick it up on the other side. I couldnt argue with fibroid so I had to help her take her bag to Nigeria. But I digress. Basically if you are getting us a present just ask yourself, what travels light? What can I get #Tipe 2016 ( Lol thats the hastag apparently..”Tipe” God! no wonder I am not excited) that will help them travel light, and wont gather dust and clog up their apartment….hmmmmm I wonder what that is. Its not Naira cos Naira is useless at the moment (LOL I am sorry I had to). It starts with a p and it has more value than Naira.

What else..oh yeah Tiwa moved in finally. Thats been alright actually, my place feels homely ,although a bit clustered cos a charity that we decided to donate furniture to for free rejected our donation cos it was scratched. Erm we are giving it away..for free…and you are saying you don’t want cos it has a scratch. Pls is that not a bastard charity?. (More reason why I need a light travelling wedding present)

Introducing your new marriage counselor

Yeah that’s right I ve been married for 3 whole weeks now and I think this gives me the right to give you guys advice on the dos and donts of marriage. A lot of people have been asking me “how does it feel to be married?” and my usual answer is..erm I dunno…you can now have sex without the fear of being smite by God. So I am gonna answer all your questions and share my experience with you. Cos guys marriage is not easy, the last 3 weeks (or weekends actually) have taught me more about life than my last 29 years spent as a bachelor. So let’s start.

1) Always lock the door

Just alway make sure the door is flipping locked! I ve to admit I spend a lot of time in the bathroom, it’s my own version of quiet time and time of reflection, time to catch up on tweets and snapchat  (that’s right all of you looking funky and feeling fly,most of the time your pics are viewed during no2s… sorry). Anyways sha I take my time in the bathroom so I can come out feeling like Peter griffin

Tiwa knows this and she always complains. Sha, on this fateful day, like a week into our marriage, I carried my iPad and went to the bathroom. A few minutes later I am hearing her tiny footsteps coming towards the bathroom, I presumed she was gonna ask me something (which I hate in itself, it’s my quiet time I prefer not to be disturbed) footsteps getting closer…then it happened….in slow motion…

She starts fumbling with the handle of the door..like she was about to open it…in my head I am thinking erm…what is going on..am I dreaming….what is she trying to do…the door is loc….Fuck…she opens the door

…now let’s pause..if you ve been in this unfortunate situation when someone barges in on you while you are having your quiet time..the default reaction is screaming from both sides…one person feeling embarrassed and the other screaming OMG I AM SORRY I AM SORRY…I did my part guys, I screamed at the top of my voice: TIWA WHAT THE HELL MAN!!!, I was waiting for the OMG Ope I am sorry. 1 sec, 2 sec..nothing ..she wasn’t screaming back..I decided to try again and explain the situation, TIWA WHAT THE FUCK..YOU CANT JUST BARGE IN ONE SOMEONE DURING PRAYER MAN!!

She just stood there calm as fuck staring at me

With that same stone cold expression, I could feel her gazing into my soul, I’ve never felt so vulnerable in my life and then she finally spoke: Ope we are married what is wrong with you, why are you screaming?!. I was almost in tears at this stage. Dude I didn’t at any point during the vows say you could watch me pray man..what the fuck?! Then she carried on to ask me whatever she was asking ,I honestly can’t remember ..she could have asked for anything at that point. All I did was scream yes fine whatever! Please go away!! Thankfully she did..For the rest of the day I just felt like

2) Your possessions becomes hers and her possessions becomes yours

I kid, your shit becomes hers, her shits stays the same. If you follow me on snapchat (it’s arzizz btw, why are you not following..I talk about cool stuff like why we are here and how to be a better human being ) you will notice that I ve recently joined beard gang. It was a difficult journey I had to buy all the beard oil in this world. Tiwa noticed the difference one day and asked if she could use my beard oil as well.

Ope can I use your beard oil please

Erm what? Why? What are u trying to grow? Am I missing something?

No jor I want it for my eyebrows..

Erm the same eyebrows she spends half an hour on decorating every morning. No babes, sorry you can’t have my oil. Silly me thought that was that was until I say her shiny forehead after she had her shower that evening.

Argh!! Tiwa now! I need the oil for my beard now..

Ope we are married now, your things are now mine. Let my eyebrows flourish ..oh btw I am taking your shaving cream, it’s nice

What?? Why?? What are you shavi…you know what forget I asked…take it

Fast forward to a couple of days later, I was at hers in loughborough and I forgot my cream.

Tiwa can I have ur cream please

Yea no p check the table

Few seconds later….Tiwa started sniffing like a police dog

*sniff* Ope *sniff* what cream did you use?

Erm I don’t know I saw one in this tiny container

Her

WHY DIDNT YOU USE THE COCOA BUTTER ?!! THAT CREAM COSTS A FORTUNE!!

Me: But we are married now, your things are now mi..

Her: Fuck right off!!!

You can only fuck with the preek you ve got.

Eyop! Its been a min. I don’t have anything to write about though, apart from Tiwa, so if you are rolling your eyes at this point I understand and its ok if you stop reading. I need some new shit to happen to me LOL (although there’s been a couple of development at work but I cant blog about my job sooo). I got “introduced” on sat, although you would think it was a traditional wedding from the pictures, I got a few congratulatory messages and I had to tell people I wasn’t married yet. To be fair I was confused throughout the whole thing too..at some point I had to ask Tiwa :babe are we married now?. It had all the hallmark of a traditional wedding

Me prostrating in front of her parents

Me prostrating in front of my parents

Me sitting between and pecking her parents (I thought the alaga was taking the piss when she asked me to peck her dad…I had to tell him no homo before pecking him)

Me sitting between and pecking my parents

Her sitting and pecking both set of parents

Her kneeling down in front of me while I prayed for her (although we were both laughing at this point)

Us seating on the same chair

Us cutting cake together

A pastor preaching about marriage

An annoying photographer telling me to do gay poses

Me dropping money in like a billion trays

Food fruits baskets from my family

The only thing missing was someone saying “I now pronounce you husband and wife”. I mean this is what they do during a traditional wedding right? Anyways I don’t have to worry about that until December sha, it gives me enough time to learn how to dance cos

1. a) What happened on sat was borderline embarrassing I was just standing there like a statue..even my mum was turning up
2. b) The more you dance the more they spray you.

For now sha, I have my fiancée/semi wife back with me and I am already planning and looking forward to living together. That is what I am really excited about. The moving in and adaptation phase for the first few months. We stayed together for an extended period before so we have an idea of what to expect. But I will still list a few things that is making me worried/excited.

Her Moving in: This is not a big deal, we just need an extra wardrobe, dressing table, chest of drawers and shoe rack, and bathroom cupboard and find a way to fit all these in my apartment whilst maintaining the overall awesomeness of the apartment.

Her ability to be extravagant in the kitchen: This is an interesting that I cant wait to see how it turns out cos I swear Tiwa does it on purpose! Thursday night my kitchen is filled with pepper, rodo, tomatoes and maggi..Monday night I am calling Tiwa up asking what the hell happened to my rodo (the rodo and maggi are the worse because you can only get them in African stores and that is a mission). It got to a point where I had to start hiding rodo whenever she is coming…now I have just given up, I don’t buy them anymore so we just use red chillies from Asda. And also my paper towel!! This is even more painful than the rodo. Before you roll your eyes at me that I am complaining about paper towel please hear me out. I used to buy normal paper towels, those ones that you just use and bin. Then I came across this brilliant invention called bounty paper towel. You take one sheet of the towel and use it and you can rinse it and squeeze it and reuse! It is absolutely brilliant (youtube it). When I bought it I told Tiwa, babes this thing is brilliant, it will revolutionize our lives, just take one sheet and use and reuse. I came back from the gym the following morning and I entered the kitchen..my precious bounty everywhere like an abortion went wrong in my kitchen!

TIWA what the hell now!

Ohh Ope what is wrong its just paper towel, its like two pounds!!

Obviously I cant argue with “its like two pounds now” so I thought well played. Before she came the following weekend I went to asda and bought asda value paper towel and kept me precious bounty at the top of the shelf so she cant reach it. I left the smirft asda value for her. Came back from the gym and I entered my kitchen, I saw the dining chair that she uses as foot stool…paper towel everywhere and the smirft asda UNOPENED!

TIWA WYD!!!!!

She came in laughing…so you want me to use the smirft one abi!!

So now I just keep the bounty in my boot whenever she is around yall.

Hmmm been going on for a while…maybe that can be a new blog series..things I am looking forward/not looking forward to

Blood genotype and marriage

I am a bit confused this morning, and I need people to really educate me and enlighten me. Without being condescending and hostile. I really wanna have a proper education on this issue, because I am seriously lost. Its about blood genotype and marriage. First let me tell you my own point of view and where I am coming from (and how I think).

So we all know the rules AS+AS is a no no. AS+SS is a hell no. SS + SS is a what the hell are you playing at. But AA + any other thing goes. (I know that there are other types but I am just trying to keep it simple). Now I am gonna choose AS+AS

First off, let me say this. I agree that it is selfish to subject a poor child to sickle cell because both parents are AS, I have not experienced it, but I can imagine the stress and strain and pain it brings into a family. So I am of the opinion that two parents that are AS should not have a kid together. What I now don’t get is the notion that two AS should not even think of getting married. That’s what is doing my head in. Cos the first question I ask is WHY? Why should they not get married?

The obvious answer I think I have stated, because they can’t have a child together. So lemme get this straight you finally managed to meet someone perfect, you guys are practically soulmate, you even share the same genotype, albeit an abnormal one. But you cannot spend the rest of your life with her/him because there is a risk of having a sickle cell kid. And you throw everything away and start over. 2 or three years later you meet another person, you guys are not quite on the same wavelength as your previous relationship but you don’t mind spending the rest of your life with the person. And because the universe is a bastard, turns out the guy has a low sperm count, or the babes womb has some next superworm that eats fetus so you cant have a child together. (You found this out after you guys tied the knot of course). Then what? Or worst case scenario you lose a kid at a young age, an AA child (God forbid, I know). My point is, life is not straight forward. Two AS couple that genuinely want to spend the rest of their life together have a problem. They can’t conceive. When its all said and done, that is the one problem they have. They can’t conceive. And is that not what marriage is about?. Two people coming together to overcome life’s curveballs.

Cos the way people go on about this issue its like the sole purpose of getting married is to have kids. Its an important one. But not the only one. And I know what you are thinking, why would you go into a marriage knowing you cannot have kids with the person. But the real question here is why go into a marriage NOT KNOWING if you can have kids with the person. Why don’t we all do fertility test before we get married (I am sure some people do). But yeah, why don’t we attach the same importance to doing fertility tests as we do to blood type. Because in black and white that is what it is. Practicality of bring a child into this world. I should say at this point that if two AS people are planning to get married HOPING they don’t pop out a child with sickle cell, I am not advocating for them. All I want to understand is why we vilify two people that insist on getting married despite incompatible genotypes without knowing their future plans.

And if you are thinking, so what will they do if they want a child?. Adoption. What if they make a mistake and the woman gets pregnant. Erm vasectomy, birth control, condom, anal sex, swallowing, the list goes on. Adoption is another topic. Obviously. But yeah I have rambled on enough. I want to be enlightened and educated like I said. In an adult manner.

Welcome to Lagos…return leg.

This man actually said I should hustle for the bus! I stood on the spot perplexed, how am I going to get to iyana ipaja. ” IYAAAAANAAAAAAA IPAAAAJJAAAAAA” the shout came from a dude hanging from a bus. What transpired before my eyes was amazing…the way cool guys and sexy ladies rushed for this bus eh..like it was the last bus to heaven or something. The previous call I made to my uncle was just as a reaction of seeing the number of people at the bus stop. I made another phone call.

Uncle…is me

Oh God…Ope ki lo de??

Look yeah…I don’t think I can do this, they are fighting to enter the bus now…

Ope you are not a child what is wrong with you, what do you want me to do from here?? 

Anyway you can help me now, plixx. Hello..uncle..hello…are you still there? 

I sat at the edge of the gutter and distanced myself from the crowd waiting for the bus. And I looked to the sky, How did I get here, sitting next to a gutter drenched in sweat. IYAAAAANAAAAAAA IPAAAAJAAAAA came another bus…I am fucked today. As I sat next to the gutter evaluating my life decisions…another  IYAAAAANAAAAAAA IPAAAAJAAAAA bus came….and  stopped right in front of me The crowd was still fighting to enter the first one and this empty bus pulled up right in front of me. I didn’t enter the bus cos it was going to iyana ipaja….I entered it out of fear..cos when the bus pulled over, the unfortunate souls that couldn’t make the first bus looked at me like a bunch of walking dead zombies sniffing out fresh meat….next thing  

 
It was the fear of getting trampled and dying in the gutter that pushed me into that bus….not cos it was an iyana ipaja bus. 6:15 pm…that’s not too bad, hopefully this won’t take 4 hours like it did in the morning. LOL. That was what I was thought. There are some situations you have to experience before you appreciate its  enormity. Lagos traffic, from island to mainland via third mainland bridge is one of them. This traffic is where dreams go to die. I got to iyana ipaja at 10 pm. By the time I found my way from iyana ipaja to jankande estate it was 10:45.

Ope, o ma pe wole (you are late)

Uncle. Don’t. Just don’t.

If you like when I wake you up at 4:30 tomorrow don’t get up.

You remember the little hyper kids we put a pin on in the first part? Oya lets remove the pin.

My uncle has three kids. X, y and Kamir who was 5 years old. I can’t remember the name of the first two but I remember Kamir.  Cos Kamir could only speak in caps lock. And cos of this statement that’s now forever engraved in my brain. It was the voice of my uncle at 11 pm coming from the sitting room.

“Kamir stop disturbing me, oya go and play with your uncle”

  

UNCLEEEEE OPE!!!!!!!!

Kamir,uncle is tired pls lets play tomorrow 

NO!!! … While jumping on my back.

Kamir don’t you have school tomorrow 

NO WE HAVE HOLIDAY!!!!!!

Kamir, I don’t have holiday please let me sleep

NOOOOOO!!! DADDY SAID I SHOULD PLAY WITH YOU!!!!!

UNCLE WHY ARE YOU CRYING!!!!!!!

Kamir, uncle is suffering…pls I will take you to London…pls let uncle sleep….

NOOOOOOO!!! PLAY WITH ME!!!!!

I am not especially proud of what happened next y’all. But it had to be done to be honest. Cos I went through a lot that day and I was stressed.

I punched Kamir in the throat y’all. Little nigga could not even cry.  This was Kamir mehn.

 

Welcome to lagos

Camp was over, I got my letter from afren to start the day after camp so I didn’t really have the chance to sort out accommodation. Dad told me to chill with my uncle in iyana ipaja for a couple of weeks before he arrang s something closer to VI. Obviously I didn’t know Lagos then so I thought yeah how bad can iyana ipaja to VI be? The place is not even in iguana ipaja, I don’t know why Lagos people do that thing….you get to iyana ipaja and then u take a bus AND a bike to some next estate called jakande…it’s like a good 20 mins from iyana ipaja!! Don’t get why people say they live in x when x is just the most popular area close to the place. That was how Jude told me he lived in egbeda…..I swear I almost got to badagry! Anyways…off we went to iyana ipaja.

Settled in…caught with my uncle and his 3 kids. 3 little hyper kids. Let’s put a pin on these kids cos I will come back to them.

Aite uncle, I am off to bed. What time should I wake up if I wanna get to VI by 9.

I will wake you by 4:30.

Lool! Uncle don’t be silly please …what time

Ope you have to be out of the house by latest 5:15 if you want to be in VI by 9 am

Ok uncle let’s get one thing straight so we are both on the same page. There is no way in hell I am getting up before 5. Don’t even try to wake me.

Ok now nobody will teach you.

Alarm clock woke me at 5:15, I sluggishly made my way to the bathroom…my uncle was praying but he still made to give me the you think you are doing me..you are doing yourself look 

  

I Got ready by 6 am. Oya uncle how do I get to VI? ….something something …bus stop….. something something CMS…. Then from CMS you get another bus to VI and then get a bike to your office.  

 
Uncle please put your phone on loud in case I get lost and call you,yeah? 

I managed to find my way to the bus stop…there were not a lot of people there, I guess they woke up at 4:30…suckers!!!! … a yellow bus came and a dude screamed CMS….which was my cue to enter the bus. I settled in, paid my fare, put my earphones on and went to sleep. The next thing I remembered was someone tapping me and telling me we were in CMS, I checked my watch, 9:30!!!! Ahan I asked the dude that screamed CMS. Chairman what happened na did we breakdown!! Why did it take us almost four hours to get to CMS!!! My guy replied…he be like say you just enter Lagos. The passenger that tapped me asked if I was late for work…and quickly followed with…you should have left your house by 5…I just went

  
Can you pls just tell me how you get to xxx in VI?. She told me it was best I just get a bike straight. Bike was brilliant by the way..it was like being in a theme park. I got to work just after 10 and the first thing the manager I was reporting to said to me was.

 You are an hour late

Sir, I woke up at 5. I don’t understand how it took me 5 hours to get here.

Where did you come from?

Iyana ipaja.

And you woke up at 5? You have to be out of your house by 5 if you want to be here on time!

Ughhh you sound like my uncle!

Sorry o Londoner this is Lagos. Hope you know how you are getting back?

Fuck.

For some reason I was in the supply chain department. I was trying to tell my guy there must have been a mistake cos I ve a masters in chemical engineer…I should be in production. He ignored me and told me what he wanted me to do that day. He gave me a list of numbers. 

Ope go to the finance office and look for these invoices 

  
After waking up at 5…and traveling for 4 hours, you are telling me to look for invoice?? But then again I was an hour late so maybe that was my punishment. By the end of the business day I was ready to bounce, I asked a lady in my department, pls how do I get iyana ipaja? She looked at me with a sad expression? So you are going to iyana ipaja? Erm yeah…well technically no but iyana ipaja is a start…..eskuss ma,but why you looking at me like I molested your goldfish??.  Iyana ipaja is very far and it’s rush hour. Do you know Lagos?. She then told me to get a bike from the front of the office to some roundabout. I will get a bus to iyana ipaja from there. I left thinking why was she being dramatic. Then I got to the bus stop. 

I called my uncle straight:

Uncle pls how do I get home?

First get to so so roundabout…

Uncle I am at the roundabout but there are like a billion people here

Yes that’s the roundabout that you get the bus from…

Uncle that’s not possible..I said we are up to one billion standing here…

Eh you rush for the bus noni

  
Uncle but I am bri’ish

Ope you are not a kid! U are in Lagos now…hustle for the bus!!!!

Quick post

Ok guys, I am freaking out. I just discovered an antique store next to my office and naturally I bought a couple of items on impulse. A mirror and a shigidi!. The mirror is cool. It is the shigidi that is kinda freaking me out. Have a look.

I really really like it cos it goes with my sitting room, but I am also freaked out cos the dude told me it is an african carving (it is obvious). And I remember reading a book when I was younger called “unbroken curses”. I cant remember the details but the gist was sorta ” X was having issues and after some research it was discovered that the statue that x had in his apartment was the god of fuckery” something like that. I also remember clearly that my mum threw away one of my dad artwork after she read the book and dad was pissed. So subconsciously, since then I have always avoided buying animated objects. Before I now buy mask and a masquerade starts to chase me in my dream.

That being said, I did buy a deer/antelope/ I don’t know what the fuck this is 

and nothing happened, I didn’t get chased in my dreams, I didn’t hit a deer on the road or anything.

I also bought this in Tunsia

and nothing happe….hold on…

Hmmmm…erm..yea I know what this looks like, hmmm erm, ok, obviously I like naked objects. This is not a good look. curse or no curse. I have 3 statues in my sitting room, all of them of naked people. Fuck! I think if you look closely you can even see the womans toto. Doesn’t take a genius to see the implication. Porn!. The curse is porn!! Phew..panic over, that’s alright then, I will get rid of them when I am ready to give up on porn. As you were. False alarm, everything is okay.

But my mum is gonna visit me sooner or later, a woman that had reservations about eating in a thai restaurant cos of all the shigidis all over the place! Imagine her visiting her son and BAM!! A womans vagina is staring at her!

OPE WHAT IS THIS?!!

Me: Its art fam!

Or even worse, Tiwa’s mum pops by! She is gonna think “my daughter is marrying this freak” I mean it might be true but I don’t need to confirm it.

On a serious note though, I think I need some input. Do you guys think the shigidi is cursed or I am just being extremely paranoid. Problem is I cant even return it without looking like an idiot.

Store owner: Why are you returning it.

Me: Erm, basically I think it is cursed.

Hundreds of statues and I pick out the one with the biggest boobs. Typical.

Public plea to Tiwa

I have been dating Tiwa for a min now and we are at that stage in our relationship where we just binge watch series and movies. She actually banned us from going to cinema..saying it is waste of money..so we just download stream on Netflix. Unless I insist ..coz I really wanna eat candy in a dark room. We have seen quite a number of series..some that I didn’t think I’d enjoy, like the arrow. Obviously the arrow is not a classic, it is cheesy but I just really enjoy watching it with Tiwa..it’s not something you watch alone..if you are a guy. If you are a guy and you are single and you watch arrow alone..the fact that you watch arrow alone is why you are single. Same goes for empire…You have niggas just randomly bursting into songs…singing dancing and praising the Lord you are so beautiful shake it shake it! What is not to like? Again don’t watch it alone. 

Then we tried some good ones …daredevil for example and she made me watch an anime recently called attack of the Titans which was absolutely brilliant…then she tried to upgrade me to Naruto…I had to stop her like babe chill…its not that deep yet. We watched some ridiculous shites too…extant…GOD!! it’s so bad…I didn’t last a season, next we decided to give “power” a try. Both of us were just there like what the fuck is this shit. Why are they just fucking. Act for me nigga …why is he just standing there showing off six packs and putting on tie? Act nigga!!! Entertain me!! I AM NOT ENTERTAINED. There was this scene in the 1st or 2nd episode where a babe was fingering herself in the limo while letting the driver watch. WHY? What the fuck is this?? Deleted that filth off my hard drive mehn.  

We recently started watching Narcos…which is obviously a brilliant series. Now if you have not figured me out by now, I tend to hype things up and be highly critical as well. Apart from Raid. I am not hyping raid up. Look at this picture.  

 
Enough said.

And every time we watch a series that is not crap, I always say the same thing at the end. It is alright. But it is not as good as the wire. It is like 0.7tw 

where; tw stands for “the wire”the S.I unit TV series. E.g Power series is 0.0005tw

 And R (Raid)is the S.I unit of movies. E.g Wolverine is negative infinity of R 

Imagine dating me. Every weekend you have to listen to how shite a series is compared to the wire. And the funny thing is Tiwa voluntarily sits down and watch shite series. By her own admission. She is still watching extant. She told me about one…once upon a time…and its spin off, once upon a time in wonderland. A series about Disney characters in modern times. Like Snow White and the seven dwarfs running around New York looking for Prince Charming or some shit. She gave me an update recently that they have now added Ella from frozen to the show. She told me about another one where the story was based around the fact that God was missing in heaven..as in he was kidnapped or in hiding I am like babes…that’s blasphemy na…plix don’t invite Gods wrath on us na. So it shouldn’t be hard to get this woman who sits through series like these to watch the wire na.

But nope I have ruined it for her, coz I ve been hyping it now for years. I even told her about Idris Elba…I mean Idris Elba na…he is inside…he even removed his shirt one time like this. “Oh Idris Elba is inside..one question…did he die?…”….I am writing this post to beg my girlfriend to watch the wire. Tiwa…baby girl

This by far is the hardest thing I think I’ve ever had to do

To tell you, the woman I love

That I die inside everything I know you have not seen the wire 

I hope you can accept the fact that I’m man enough to tell you this

And hopefully you’ll give the wire a chance 

This ain’t about my career

This ain’t about my life

It’s about us

Please

I’d do anything help me beg her na. I’d watch any series or movies you choose……..hmmmm actually….that’s too much of a sacrifice…next thing I am watching vampire dairies or revenge…hm hm…don’t watch the wire na..you think you are doing me…you r depriving yourself of utter awesomeness.