Introducing your new marriage counselor

Yeah that’s right I ve been married for 3 whole weeks now and I think this gives me the right to give you guys advice on the dos and donts of marriage. A lot of people have been asking me “how does it feel to be married?” and my usual answer is..erm I dunno…you can now have sex without the fear of being smite by God. So I am gonna answer all your questions and share my experience with you. Cos guys marriage is not easy, the last 3 weeks (or weekends actually) have taught me more about life than my last 29 years spent as a bachelor. So let’s start.

1) Always lock the door

Just alway make sure the door is flipping locked! I ve to admit I spend a lot of time in the bathroom, it’s my own version of quiet time and time of reflection, time to catch up on tweets and snapchat (that’s right all of you looking funky and feeling fly,most of the time your pics are viewed during no2s… sorry). Anyways sha I take my time in the bathroom so I can come out feeling like Peter griffin

Tiwa knows this and she always complains. Sha, on this fateful day, like a week into our marriage, I carried my iPad and went to the bathroom. A few minutes later I am hearing her tiny footsteps coming towards the bathroom, I presumed she was gonna ask me something (which I hate in itself, it’s my quiet time I prefer not to be disturbed) footsteps getting closer…then it happened….in slow motion…

She starts fumbling with the handle of the door..like she was about to open it…in my head I am thinking erm…what is going on..am I dreaming….what is she trying to do…the door is loc….Fuck…she opens the door

…now let’s pause..if you ve been in this unfortunate situation when someone barges in on you while you are having your quiet time..the default reaction is screaming from both sides…one person feeling embarrassed and the other screaming OMG I AM SORRY I AM SORRY…I did my part guys, I screamed at the top of my voice: TIWA WHAT THE HELL MAN!!!, I was waiting for the OMG Ope I am sorry. 1 sec, 2 sec..nothing ..she wasn’t screaming back..I decided to try again and explain the situation, TIWA WHAT THE FUCK..YOU CANT JUST BARGE IN ONE SOMEONE DURING PRAYER MAN!!

She just stood there calm as fuck staring at me

With that same stone cold expression, I could feel her gazing into my soul, I’ve never felt so vulnerable in my life and then she finally spoke: Ope we are married what is wrong with you, why are you screaming?!. I was almost in tears at this stage. Dude I didn’t at any point during the vows say you could watch me pray man..what the fuck?! Then she carried on to ask me whatever she was asking ,I honestly can’t remember ..she could have asked for anything at that point. All I did was scream yes fine whatever! Please go away!! Thankfully she did..For the rest of the day I just felt like

2) Your possessions becomes hers and her possessions becomes yours

I kid, your shit becomes hers, her shits stays the same. If you follow me on snapchat (it’s arzizz btw, why are you not following..I talk about cool stuff like why we are here and how to be a better human being ) you will notice that I ve recently joined beard gang. It was a difficult journey I had to buy all the beard oil in this world. Tiwa noticed the difference one day and asked if she could use my beard oil as well.

Ope can I use your beard oil please

Erm what? Why? What are u trying to grow? Am I missing something?

No jor I want it for my eyebrows..

Erm the same eyebrows she spends half an hour on decorating every morning. No babes, sorry you can’t have my oil. Silly me thought that was that was until I say her shiny forehead after she had her shower that evening.

Argh!! Tiwa now! I need the oil for my beard now..

Ope we are married now, your things are now mine. Let my eyebrows flourish ..oh btw I am taking your shaving cream, it’s nice

What?? Why?? What are you shavi…you know what forget I asked…take it

Fast forward to a couple of days later, I was at hers in loughborough and I forgot my cream.

Tiwa can I have ur cream please

Yea no p check the table

Few seconds later….Tiwa started sniffing like a police dog

*sniff* Ope *sniff* what cream did you use?

Erm I don’t know I saw one in this tiny container

Her

WHY DIDNT YOU USE THE COCOA BUTTER ?!! THAT CREAM COSTS A FORTUNE!!