What do you mean by they ve towed the car?!
We ve been on an overnight flight, we were feeling sticky and we ve just been through that stupid stupid line at the immigration where you get one asstard checking your passport and a different asstard, in uniform to differentiate the level of asstardity, stamps it. We ‘ve had to wait for about 30 mins to get our luggage and by the time we got out of the airport at 6 am we were both in a pissy mood. Therefore when Tiwa’s brother called her to inform her that FAAN had towed the car meant to pick us my natural response what to look up to the sky and tell Nigeria as whole to eat a buffet of dicks. Unfortunately, I had to be the calm one, Tiwa suddenly developed Tourette’s syndrome and the words that came out of her mouth are not blog friendly. I took the phone of her and asked her brother where they were. They were in FAANS personnel office. I ran for 10 mins to get there and on getting there I was given a bill of 10,500. No argument no begging, no discussion. I looked up to the sky again and specified that the buffet of dicks being eaten by the nation should be filled with syphilis. I ran back to the airport (10mins) to change money and ran back (another 10 mins, I know the time might be trivial but that was a total of 30 mins of running, fresh of the plane. After settling the bill we drove down to the airport to pick Tiwa, cos obviously she wasn’t going to be running up and down and someone had to stay with the luggage. It was while we were loading the said luggage into the car that two uniformed asstards came to “help us”. I told them not to bother cos I know where it was leading to and sure enough, as I was about to enter the car the female asstard uttered the words “happy easter oga nothing is too, small at all at all nah hin bad”. Jesus died for you on this day 2017 years ago ma’am his grace will be sufficient for you this Easter,don’t be greedy.
Spent the next day catching up with family and friends and on Easter Sunday my brother and Nyong came to visit us. It was all good, usual banter “haha Nyong you are now a prince” “don’t stand next to my wife you are too tall” e.t.c and then for some reason the banter led to talking about Nigeria. Now I have been on twitter, I know how these convos usually end, there is no happy ending when talking about Nigeria and for this reason I was apprehensive cos in my head the night just took a dark turn. Nyong and Temi were optimistic about Nigeria and they reckoned things won’t take long to get better. Tiwa has been in a relationship with me for over 4 years and she knows better than to believe in such fairy tales. I couldn’t give two shits so I didn’t have a lot to say. Not Nyong though. Nyong had a lot to say, Nyong was/is passionate about Nigeria, Nyong sees the good in people and was citing all the numerous times people rallied on Twitter to do one good thing or the other. Temi was more interested in the timeline, he thinks maybe in 20 years Nigeria will be on the rise. Tiwa didn’t share their views. I didn’t know how much I rubbed off on her until that day. My wife wrote the whole country off. This didn’t go down well with Nyong. Nyong came back with more good points. Temi kept going on about the number of years it would take,pata pata 25 years. I was having an awesome night. It was a close debate, then it happened.
Tiwa got up and put her left index finger on her lips and swiped from left to right. I have lived with Tiwa for a while now so I have picked up on her habits when we are arguing, whenever she puts her left index finger on her lips and swipes left to right that is it. Game over. Abort the fucking argument. I love arguing as much as the next guy but I have not cracked the code of the index finger so usually, I just wait for her to catch her breath and say whatever and walk away. Nyong does not live with Tiwa and Nyong does not know the index finger move. In fact Nyong is just learning about the index finger move now as he is reading this post and he is gonna be having a word with me on whatsapp about why I didn’t give him heads up. In my defence, I didn’t foresee any situation on a good Easter Sunday night where one of my closest friends would activate the index finger move. Now Tiwa was in her index finger mode and she was going in, not necessarily with solid points, but she was going in and that was all that matter. Nyong looked defeated but he didn’t give up or walk away, he pressed on. I looked at Nyong:
and gave me the “ope tag in look”. I knew Nyong way before I met Tiwa and we lived together in uni. Back then, it was a tag team thing, Nyong, myself and Olumide. If two of the three of us were in the same room that was enough to win any argument or debate, it’s always been a team effort. We would tag each other in and out and finish the poor opponent. So fast forward a few years, Nyong was on the ropes and he looked at his brethren to tag in. His brethen looked back at him:
How do I tag in at take down my wife who at this point had repeated the index finger move twice. Nyong is also not married and doesn’t know that first lesson of Marriage 101 is you NEVER side against your wife in public, no matter the yogo or dodo. And also Tiwa is on level three index finger and the highest level I have seen was level 2 when I was still a learner, I was freaking curious so no Nyong I wasn’t gonna tag in. I wanted to see how far Nyong was gonna last and how many level of the index finger there was and also I was getting some tips for my marriage on how to get past the index finger levels. She did the move again! Level 4! Get in Nyong you can do it. Except Nyong wasn’t doing it. Nyong was sitting his tall ass down and Tiwa was standing in front of him still going in. At this point, I honestly don’t think she was still talking about Nigeria and the last time I saw the look on Nyong’s face was when Man U beat Arsenal 8 – 2. I started thinking Tiwa might actually get physical, level 5 is pure violence!. My uber is here guys. That was Temi. My man planned his escape without us noticing. Please take me with you. That was Nyong.
So these two punks left just like that. With Tiwa stuck on level 4 and she turned to me cos obviously she has to come down to level one before stopping …ngbo do you think Nigeria…na babes I’m sleep
I wanna use this opportunity to apologise to Nyong as well but he did some good work. He took one for the team and because of the sacrifice he made that night I can now stay up to level 2 of the index finger move before I pussy out. So the night was not in vain. And when you finally get married and you need me to return the favour….