The Index finger

What do you mean by they ve towed the car?!

We ve been on an overnight flight, we were feeling sticky and we ve just been through that stupid stupid line at the immigration where you get one asstard checking your passport and a different asstard, in uniform to differentiate the level of asstardity, stamps it. We ‘ve had to wait for about 30 mins to get our luggage and by the time we got out of the airport at 6 am we were both in a pissy mood. Therefore when Tiwa’s brother called her to inform her that FAAN had towed the car meant to pick us my natural response what to look up to the sky and tell Nigeria as whole to eat a buffet of dicks. Unfortunately, I had to be the calm one, Tiwa suddenly developed Tourette’s syndrome and the words that came out of her mouth are not blog friendly. I took the phone of her and asked her brother where they were. They were in FAANS personnel office. I ran for 10 mins to get there and on getting there I was given a bill of 10,500. No argument no begging, no discussion. I looked up to the sky again and specified that the buffet of dicks being eaten by the nation should be filled with syphilis. I ran back to the airport (10mins) to change money and ran back (another 10 mins, I know the time might be trivial but that was a total of 30 mins of running, fresh of the plane. After settling the bill we drove down to the airport to pick Tiwa, cos obviously she wasn’t going to be running up and down and someone had to stay with the luggage. It was while we were loading the said luggage into the car that two uniformed asstards came to “help us”. I told them not to bother cos I know where it was leading to and sure enough, as I was about to enter the car the female asstard uttered the words “happy easter oga nothing is too, small at all at all nah hin bad”.  Jesus died for you on this day 2017 years ago ma’am his grace will be sufficient for you this Easter,don’t be greedy.

Spent the next day catching up with family and friends and on Easter Sunday my brother and Nyong came to visit us. It was all good, usual banter “haha Nyong you are now a prince” “don’t stand next to my wife you are too tall” e.t.c and then for some reason the banter led to talking about Nigeria. Now I have been on twitter, I know how these convos usually end, there is no happy ending when talking about Nigeria and for this reason I was apprehensive cos in my head the night just took a dark turn. Nyong and Temi were optimistic about Nigeria and they reckoned things won’t take long to get better. Tiwa has been in a relationship with me for over 4 years and she knows better than to believe in such fairy tales. I couldn’t give two shits so I didn’t have a lot to say. Not Nyong though. Nyong had a lot to say, Nyong was/is passionate about Nigeria, Nyong sees the good in people and was citing all the numerous times people rallied on Twitter to do one good thing or the other. Temi was more interested in the timeline, he thinks maybe in 20 years Nigeria will be on the rise. Tiwa didn’t share their views. I didn’t know how much I rubbed off on her until that day. My wife wrote the whole country off. This didn’t go down well with Nyong. Nyong came back with more good points. Temi kept going on about the number of years it would take,pata pata 25 years. I was having an awesome night. It was a close debate, then it happened.

Tiwa got up and put her left index finger on her lips and swiped from left to right. I have lived with Tiwa for a while now so I have picked up on her habits when we are arguing, whenever she puts her left index finger on her lips and swipes left to right that is it. Game over. Abort the fucking argument. I love arguing as much as the next guy but I have not cracked the code of the index finger so usually, I just wait for her to catch her breath and say whatever and walk away. Nyong does not live with Tiwa and Nyong does not know the index finger move. In fact Nyong is just learning about the index finger move now as he is reading this post and he is gonna be having a word with me on whatsapp about why I didn’t give him heads up. In my defence, I didn’t foresee any situation on a good Easter Sunday night where one of my closest friends would activate the index finger move. Now Tiwa was in her index finger mode and she was going in, not necessarily with solid points, but she was going in and that was all that matter. Nyong looked defeated but he didn’t give up or walk away, he pressed on. I looked at Nyong:

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and gave me the “ope tag in look”. I knew Nyong way before I met Tiwa and we lived together in uni. Back then, it was a tag team thing, Nyong, myself and Olumide. If two of the three of us were in the same room that was enough to win any argument or debate, it’s always been a team effort. We would tag each other in and out and finish the poor opponent. So fast forward a few years, Nyong was on the ropes and he looked at his brethren to tag in. His brethen looked back at him:

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How do I tag in at take down my wife who at this point had repeated the index finger move twice. Nyong is also not married and doesn’t know that first lesson of Marriage 101 is you NEVER side against your wife in public, no matter the yogo or dodo. And also Tiwa is on level three index finger and the highest level I have seen was level 2 when I was still a learner, I was freaking curious so no Nyong I wasn’t gonna tag in. I wanted to see how far Nyong was gonna last and how many level of the index finger there was and also I was getting some tips for my marriage on how to get past the index finger levels. She did the move again! Level 4! Get in Nyong you can do it. Except Nyong wasn’t doing it. Nyong was sitting his tall ass down and Tiwa was standing in front of him still going in. At this point, I honestly don’t think she was still talking about Nigeria and the last time I saw the look on Nyong’s face was when Man U beat Arsenal 8 – 2.  I started thinking Tiwa might actually get physical, level 5 is pure violence!. My uber is here guys. That was Temi. My man planned his escape without us noticing. Please take me with you. That was Nyong.60144605

So these two punks left just like that. With Tiwa stuck on level 4 and she turned to me cos obviously she has to come down to level one before stopping …ngbo do you think Nigeria…na babes I’m sleep

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I wanna use this opportunity to apologise to Nyong as well but he did some good work. He took one for the team and because of the sacrifice he made that night I can now stay up to level 2 of the index finger move before I pussy out. So the night was not in vain. And when you finally get married and you need me to return the favour….

 

Happy Blehday

Bleh. That’s exactly how I feel…bleh. I am having one of those bleh spells, where everything is just bleh. Unfortunately it happened on my birthday week. Tiwa and I even tried to bake a cake and guess how the cake came out? Bleh. Bleh and burnt. Now Tiwa has banned cake making (at least red velvet) for the foreseeable future. Bless Tiwa sha she is trying. If you know her…hmm actually I noticed people don’t know her, yall think she is quiet and I am always disturbing her. She is not, she is always hyped. ALWAYS. HYPED. She recently started working and I was hoping her job would knock the hype down a little. I was wrong. She loves her job so she is excited every morning. Usually when I get up to go to work she is usually fast asleep, peacefully, I get dressed and tell her goodbye. Now I have to drop her off in the train station. HYPED. Happy to be going to work and shit, meanwhile I am naturally not a morning person and I usually don’t crack my first smile until around noon. And in the evening when I pick her up, she is still hyped and happy with all the responsibilities they are giving her. I sound like I am complaining about my wife being always happy, I know. I am now hoping maybe when we have kids she will calm down. But to be fair it is guilty conscience that is worrying me. I feel guilty that I am feeling bleh and I am not able to match her energy. I feel guilty that I can’t explain this bleh feeling to her and she will get it. She was so excited for my birthday and I was so…bleh. (Oh by the way this post doesn’t have any structure, I am hoping I will write long enough to reduce the bleh feeling and post something).

Now that I am thinking about it I think the bleh feeling and the guilt are related. I feel bleh and then bad that I am killing the vibe in the house and I am bringing negative chi. Also I am carless for the next week so the thought of public transport might be contributing to the blehness. The problem is not really the bus. It’s the fact that its takes 3 buses and a train to get to my office and it takes 90 mins. She literally just came in dancing “boo boo what are you doing, you are blogging abi lol! That’s on my snap.

But I love it though. I know I am moaning about it, that’s what I do. But I can’t imagine another circumstance. She doesn’t let me wallow in my blehness. She is always, always trying to do something silly to make me smile or laugh. Imagine being married to a grinch like myself. Both of us will now be feeling bleh simultaneously. At least with Tiwa when I am feeling down I try to snap out it for her sake if anything. Gosh I am so lucky sha.

I had the insight on how she got to be so chirpy when we went for Bimbo’s wedding (post for another day). We spent a couple of days in her parent’s house. Now before I continue I should say, I love my family and my upbringing and I wouldn’t change it for anything. The first thing I noticed in Tiwa’s house was how they still all ate at the dining table together as a family, all talking and shit. I started feeling weird, too much positivity. I cant remember the last time my family ate at the table together. All of us that is. I don’t think it has ever happened. Shit I made it a point of duty not to be in the same room with my dad since 1999. I remember the day like yesterday. We were all chilling in the sitting room watching NTA news like a happy family. And my dad said “Ope, go and bring the maths you practised today. A bit of a back story, when I entered JS1 my dad told me that in order to be good in maths, I have to be practising maths every day. I thought the fuck not. So when he said Ope, go and bring the maths you practised today.

I was like

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I hadn’t and I got fucked up. Ever since then don’t stay in the same room as him in the house. So to be in Tiwas house with everybody happy was certainly weird. Hmm what do you know…Tiwa literally changed the tone of the blog from bleh to slightly less bleh. How about that.

The Great Gambler

I was teaching Tiwa how to play pool the other day and I remembered my dad telling me when I was younger “Ope, at the right time you will be playing pool in an air conditioned room with your friends”. Of course at that moment I was “picking pin” with sweat and snot dripping from my nose so I couldn’t give two fucks about the future. I was caught playing pool at Boda Murphy’s shop, again. And my man was punishing me and giving me life advice at the same time, my dad was adept at multitasking. And I was looking at Tiwa and I was thinking, what do you know? he was right. I remember playing pool at Boda Murphy’s shop in Abeokuta and I can tell you now, there was nothing relaxing about that shit. You could smell the tension. You chat shit when boys are playing and you get knocked the fuck out, I saw it happen. Playing pool at Boda Murphy’s shop is what you do for adrenaline rush. Boda Murphy moved into our compound from lagos and he brought a pool table and he set up shop. Boda Murphy was also hench. Not my “Drink protein shake, go to the gym at my leisure” hench, he was “life was tough” hench. Boda Murphy was also a boxer. In Summary Boda Murphy was the right sort of guy to own and run a pool table shop efficiently in Abeokuta. You don’t fuck with Boda Murphy. I learnt this the hard way as well, I called him by his birth name once, “Boda Morufu” and I saw him clench his fist and I could smell the punch hitting me. I don’t know why he was pissed cos I preferred Morufu but I preferred being a fine boy more, so Murphy it was.

Boda Murphy trained his two cousins, Tunde and Kazim to be Jedi Masters in pool. They were good but Kazim was better. If you had no one to play with, you challenged the “house”, and you begged to play Tunde first and if you beat Tunde then you played Kazim. And if you beat Kazim, well, you get Boda Murphy. You don’t beat Boda Murphy. Oh I am not saying no one was good enough to beat Boda Murphy, but if you were that good, you don’t waste your talent challenging the house, na fuck that. You gambled. That was where the fun was. Gambling. (Quick rundown of how pool works if you don’t know for whatever reason. 16 balls, 7 reds, 7 yellows, one black, one white. Use the white to get all your colors in the hole and then get the black ball in the hole before your opponent, that’s it). Everyone would gamble, including yours truly. Boda Murphy had no code. If you want to gamble, gamble, he is not gonna ask where you got the money from at that age, he was not your conscience. I remember when I was caught stealing once (funny story) and the whole estate was on my case including Boda Murphy and my nigga went “AH OPE KI LO FI ADURU OWO YE SHEY” (ope what did you use the money for). And I was looking at this nigga like.

And come to think of it we were like 13-14. We didn’t need money, well I didn’t. I didn’t know about sex then, I didn’t have a crush, I could not care less about fashion, we didn’t know jack shit. I mean we dabbled in porn. Which was weird now that I think about it now, cos it was like 6 13 year olds sitting around watching porn with full erection and we didn’t know what the fuck to do with it. We didn’t know about wanking then, well I didn’t. We took a break from porn though, after an incident in Balo’s house. Balo was my neighbourand we all gathered to watch porn in his house as per usual and Nepa did its thing. Balo panicked, we all sat there with erections so we couldn’t get up to stop him. Balo picked the VCR and smashed it in a bid to get “womb raider” out of the VCR. He reckoned it was easier to explain to his dad, the area Imam, how the VCR got smashed than explaining what Womb Raider was doing in the VCR. It didn’t work out yall. I know it didn’t work out cos we left Balo to his destiny and I didn’t see Balo again until I went back for NYSC in 2012. But I ve digressed.

My friends and I reconsidered our gambling career, not cos we lost Balo or cos we were losing money. Nah, we witnessed a fight between Boda Murphy and S.D. Oh what is a S.D?, it stands for “Senior Devil”. (Guys, I know it all sounds like Dodo and I wish it was and at least you can understand why I am perfectly happy living in barnsley and having Tiwa make up my face for excitement. I have seen all there is to see in one lifetime). They called him Senior Devil, not the Spanish Senor o, this was abeokuta in the late 90s early 00s, we were not that exposed. He got the name from Egba High School. He terrorized his fellow students,juniors and neighbouring schools so much that they concluded that the appropriate title he deserved was Senior Devil. That was 4 years prior to Boda Murphy’s arrival. Senior Devil was the Local Champion before Boda Murphy moved into the estate and naturally there was bad blood. They played it off as banter but we all saw it.Things erupted when Senior Devil accused Boda Murphy of cheating during a game (there was a lot of money riding on it and also Boda Murphy did cheat). And it kicked off. There are somethings you can’t put into words, a fight between two area champions is one of them. Cos, a) you can’t even separate them, no one was strong enough and most importantly, b) IT WAS FUCKING AMAZING TO WATCH! It had it all…sweat blood….broken bottles..it was breath taking. But after the fight the youngins sat down and we thought nah..pool is too violent we are too young for this. We needed something simple that required no great skill, that no one could accuse another of cheating, something small.

Dice. We reckoned dice was better than pool. We would give throwing dice a go. We did and it was beautiful. Witnessing the joy on someones face after rolling 6, 4 turn into despair after his opponent rolls 6, 5 is something you need to do in your lifetime. We made the mistake of letting Senior Devil join us once (cos obviously he was banished from playing pool) and he took us hostage. My man lost all his money and he insisted that we lend him money to give him a chance of winning his money back. We didn’t, and he wanted to stake his mother’s T.V. Sikiru (the one with the sharp mouth out of us) said “Senior Devil we have T.V in our…” He didn’t finish the statement before Senior Devil extracted stew and a tooth from his mouth. Again I love money, but I loved my fine face more so I jejely gave Senior Devil my share and begged him to let me go. I later discovered that that was the basic principle of robbing. After that S.D got banished from our compound. 

We didn’t let that discourage us though. It was a new term and my Dad gave me money to get two pairs of uniform. It was a lot of money and naturally I used it to gamble. It was a bunch of us but Sikiru was the one with the most money that could match me. Dele Taiwo’s funky juju was playing in the background and I was on a hot streak. And if you know how annoying I am now, I was worse then. 

Sikiru was sweating, the money was from his mother’s shop. Dele Taiwo’s voice was blasting and I was having a sing along

🎵Show me baby, show your samba!!🎵

SK: 3,2

Ope: 4,4

🎵Show me baby, show your samba!! Make I see your back o, show your samba make I see your back o!🎵

SK: Ope da ke (shut up, as If I was distacting him), 4,4

Ope: 6,3..(I am already picturing how I was gonna enter the school canteen like a boss. Rice 50 indomie 30, eran 30, eja 50)

🎵Shake it baby, shake your samba, shake your samba, make my headie turn o, shake your samba make my headie turn o🎵

SK: Ma gba eti e o….1,1

Ope: Won bi e da….3,5

🎵Don’t go baby, rain dey fall o, make we enter, con do exercise o, suflii sufli make I help you sleep o🎵

Sikiru got up and enter his father’s room. And he came out with moremoney and he challenged me to all or nothing round. And I am looking at this dude like, mate, pity your parents na. But I was on streak and Dele Taiwo was still singing

🎵Don’t go baby🎵

SK: 3,1

Ope: 1,1

Dele Taiwo changed his tune and now Sikiru was singing

🎵Awa loko omoge to’ fu won ni shiki shiki🎵

Ope:…plixx….uniform

Flat 736

I want to introduce new “characters” here, I want to test the waters to see what I can get away with when I talk about my undergrad years…

 I needed a new place to stay after my first year in uni, my previous flatmates were gonna move to Erdington (about 10 miles from uni) and I know how many 9 am lectures I missed in first year, so there was no chance I was gonna move to a house where I would have to take a bus to uni. Secondly they were culturally diverse and I was tired of speaking phonetics in my own flat. (Do you know how hard it is to try and speak phone if it doesn’t come natural to you. GOD!). So I needed a new place, with Africans. I heard of a new student accommodation about 10 mins walk from uni and all the Nigerians in my year were moving there so I thought why not. That was where the three of us first entertained the idea of living together and subsequently starting what looks like a lifelong friendship.

I knew them already but not that well. I knew Nyong from playing Pro evo with him, on PS2. PS3 had been out for years, everyone had a ps3 or xbox360. But one night whilst we were waiting to go to one of the numerous unfortunate student parties, the two of us decided to kill time with  a ps2 and on a tv with the big ass that was lying about the flat we were waiting at. Obviously the game was rubbish, it was like playing family computer, but hey we had to kill time. I lost, but again, it was ps fucking 2. Nyong started showing traits of being a bastard when few months later he brought it up.

Dude, no be you I shame on top Pro Evo?

Erm dude, it was us basically playing family computer, it doesn’t count

No o, every shaming counts in this life..

Hmm..you are a bastard aint ya?

Meeting Olumide was not as vivid, it was a blur. I had the biggest TV in first year (well myself and another dude) so playing Pro Evo in my flat was an attractive proposition, plus it was 1st year and I wanted to make friends so I would have a bunch of guys come over and play pro, which sounded okay except they played tournaments, so I am looking around like I wanna sleep and these niggas were arguing over using inter milan cos of adriano. Olumide was one of the niggas. He was on my course too and we were in the same group once. A memory that jumps out was when a bunch of us were in the library and guys being guys were talking recklessly. It was the first year, everyone was still trying to gauge each other to know how far they could push each other’s buttons. I was in a relationship then this was obviously me.

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Nyong and Olumide voltroned up to come for me and gauge me, to get a baseline of how far they could push me. LOL! Well it didn’t work out. I remember telling both of them that they were on a sloppy road to loneliness where they would eventually die alone..(in a funny way of course, you know when you go deep and patch it up with laughs and lol), at least they got their baseline. (Ironically after 1st year they both got in serious relationships that lasted through out uni and I broke up with my then gf and I ended up being the lonely one).

The three of us decided to take a flat together, with two other poor souls. It was a week or so before the 2nd year was due to start that my then gf dumped me and these two nigga that were expecting a sharped tongued, shoulder raising asshole to join them ended up with an heartbroken dude. And to their credit, they were *inhales* supportive *exhales*. Which must have been difficult for them I guess. But we got on well. Someone had to assert himself as the dominant bastard (not dominant male or alpha male cos this wasn’t a pack) dominant bastard because individually each one of us was an asshole with varying degree of gapiness. I don’t know how or why but the mantle fell to me. I didn’t want it, I didn’t ask for it, they just both came to the conclusion that I was a bigger asshole than both of them. Maybe it was cos of the time I got fed up of doing the dishes and I threw all the dishes in the sink in the garbage, or the fact that I contributed like 10 pounds throughout the year to the food budget and I ate three times a day, or when I gave Olumide’s coursework to the class truant, or when I made both of them clean the flat cos I was gonna have a female visitor or the fact that whenever I drink I turn into something else and they had to babysit me and protect me. I think it was a mixture of all of it (the ones I can post anyway), but what annoyed them the most was that everyone else thought I was goody two shoes,(they caught on eventually). But it drove Olumide and Nyong mad. There was something about my face that made people go, hmm he is alright. And boy did I milk it. I don’t know how we managed to stay friends to be honest cos I took the piss.

It’s been a good journey though, I mean I got to watch Nyong go through a baggy and hoody wearing phase to a responsible adult that dressed to reflect it (even though he briefly relapsed) and I got to watch Olumide…………………….erm……………………..*clicks tongue*…….buy two cars. That goes to show how selfless he is though cos I usually get dibs on his second car in lagos.

Crouching Tiger P***y N***a 

Over the past 5 years or so I started feeling empathy towards animals, thanks partly to those Oxfam adverts,  but mostly cos of personal experience. There was a caged baboon on my street when I stayed in lagos. (I have come to the conclusion that my NYSC year in lag was just the universe trolling me). This baboon was there every day, caged up, next to those smelly lekki gutters *insert Oxfam soundtrack*. At some point I contemplated bringing it food or something, but then I thought maybe the baboon was the local witch that got caught before she turned back so fuck that! The second experience was again during my nysc, on the same street, a horse just fell in front of me and offed!!. I have never been more confused in my life, I looked around and everyone just carried on like yeah that’s normal. The fucked up thing was that I had to walk past it before getting to the house. The poor thing was just there with its tongue out, and we all know that any death is a billion times sadder when the tongue is stuck out. It took about 3 days for someone to come get the corpse as well. Third experience was when I regrettably clicked on of those fucking videos about how chickens suffer before being slaughtered  (THEY DO) I was close to tears fam. I couldn’t eat chicken for a long time. But then Tiwa moved in and she was like “fuck that! I didn’t sign up for a life without chickens!” 

So when the tuk tuk (basically a thai version of keke napep but pimped out) driver suggested we go elephant riding the answer was always gonna be no. Also I made the mistake of riding a camel through the desert once, it only looks good in pictures, in real life you are sweating under the desert sun, your thighs are aching, and you have a camel kicking you cos flies are disturbing it. And you cant vex and stop midway..you are in the desert so you have to stay on the bloody camel. So nah I was not about to ride an elephant. An elephant on its day can fuck up a lion..if the king of the jungle does not stand a chance then what are my own odds. Let sleeping dogs lie please. 

“How about playing with tigers”

LOL!…oh you were serious…ok go on, explain.

You enter a cage with tigers and play with them..

At this point I had a flashback.

There was a popular story when I was younger, it was about a dude that got eaten by lions in Ibadan zoo. Apparently he believed the God that saved Daniel was gonna save him if he worked into the lions cage. God thought the fuck not, so man got ate  by lions. It was hilarious we thought that was the dumbest thing someone could do. 

And then I had a flashforward… At pearly gates with St. Peter 

Nigga what happened?  it wasn’t your time

I got ate by Tigers

Well you gonna have to expand on that

I entered a cage filled with tigers 

WHY?? 

I was trying to take the one selfie to rule them all and also because, why not? 

Hmm I see,  Hell fire is that way, we don’t allow retards into heaven

Please take us back to the hotel.

But the drive back to the hotel was about 50 mins long. And this SOB has planted the idea, so after about 5 mins Tiwa went “hmm..that will be once in a lifetime experience though” . And my brain thought the standard “dude what are you on about” but my mouth went “abi oo…it would actually be cool”. That was how two grown Nigerian raised adults (that were aware of the Nigerian daniel’s story) started contemplating entering a tiger’s cage at the back of a tuk tuk. I started telling her how I regretted not swimming with a shark in Australia when I had the opportunity..like that was a bad decision..before we knew it we asked the driver to take us to the tigers..because Mike Tyson that owned a Tiger does not have two heads (conveniently forgetting that Mike Tyson could probably knock out a tiger) 

The first thing they make you do is sign your life away.

Any rational person would read that and go nah, you are alright. But maybe it was the adrenaline or mostly likely the evil spirit that possessed us, we signed it.
And in we went. Now when this dude said tigers, I thought ok two tigers and like 5 tiger keepers, a dude with loaded tranquilizers just incase. And I also believed the tigers would at least be drugged (which went against my new found animal loving principle that was drowned by my desire to take the selfie to rule them all). So imagine my surprise when we walked in and I counted 6 tigers, 3 tiger keepers with one of them holding a palm leaf (that I hoped for his sake was magical). And instead of drug induced tigers, we saw tigers playing and flexing with each other. They had teeths and paws and shit. They were jumpling and agile. They were tigers. Liver at this moment left me, and I was about to shamelessly piss myself only for me to look at Tiwa all giggly and excited. These were some of the pictures, you can see the clear difference (thank God for the sunglasses cos I had tears in my eyes). 

For some reason the Tiger keeper kept telling me to stroke the tiger..

“don’t be a pussy stroke it”.  

Well at least that was what I heard. And I sat there crying inside and I started stroking the tiger. With the tiger keeper edging me on…I was about to tell him to stop cos it was getting weird when I heard a low but very audible growl. Now the growl didn’t come from the tiger I was stroking, I know how to stroke a cat so I even think it was enjoying being stroked. The growl came from another tiger. It was looking at me dead in the eyes, I don’t speak tiger but I don’t need anyone to tell me this tiger was pissed. That was when I clucked, these were the two tigers playing with each other when we came into the cage..they were lovers. Now I am here stroking its lover (and she was just lying there enjoying getting stroked) and finding myself stuck in some weird tiger love triangle and I could see the updated version of my convo at pearly gates.

I got mauled by a tiger cos I was stroking its lover. 

I was thinking please what is the next activity, then it became apparent that there is not a lot to playing with tigers apart from standing around proper killer animals and hoping for the best. Weirdly enough I started relaxing, I mean, I looked a tiger in the eye and basically did this to its lover.

So yeah I was feeling myself. Tiwa wasn’t, her adrenaline ran out. It was like we switched positions except she couldn’t give two fucks about me. My wife stepped out of the cage and left me with to flex with the tigers. Credit to her though cos she is scared of animals, so maybe now that she has spent some time with tigers and she came out ok, she is going to give more thoughts to the kid and a dog idea. 

From Thailand with love

You know, I was gonna blog about how I am feeling stressed cos of the realness of being married in that you actually have to plan your life together. And if you are a meticulous planner like myself, planning for two people can give you nightmares. But nah, why would I do that? Why should I drag you down with the behind the scenes of marriage when I can give you the highlights eh?

THAILAND!.

That was the best week of my life. It was amazing. Well for me anyway, I don’t know about Tiwa. It didn’t start well for her. She decided to do parasailing on the first day which was well and good except the fact that after the parasailing, they drop you inside the ocean and you swim/get dragged into the boat. I don’t know why they do that cos I ve parasailed before and I landed on the beach. But I thought maybe that was the Thai way. Now, I pointed this out to Tiwa and she was insisting that it looked fun so I didn’t push it because I didn’t want to ruin her holiday, so she went for it. I tagged along on the boat and she was parasailing behind us and when it was over, well..she got dropped inside the ocean..and she started panicking and looking at me on the boat like she was expecting me to jump in and bring her to the boat. I was looking at her like nah babes, you have a lifejacket, grab the rope please, I am not about to jump inside the water, I have seen Titanic. She got on the boat and she was surprised, almost as if she couldn’t believe she was in the sea.

Anyhow, after the ordeal we decided to explore Phuket town. We walked across a massage parlour (I feel I should explain “massage parlour” but let’s put a pin on it). Full body massage for an hour worked out to be about £5. Well we are a sucker for a bargain so we went for it. It was weird guys. A full body oil massage from a thai lady was weird. Let me explain.

A bit of background. I ve watched a few adult movies in my time and I know there is a category called “oiled massage” and I also know “let me give you a massage now” is one of the tricks to find out if a lady is willing to engage in sexual relations or not (or maybe it isn’t, I don’t know. It is not consent. So maybe it’s a way rapists use to rape someone, maybe it’s a way of trying to seduce a lady). All I know is massage can be a sensual experience. Obviously Tiwa did not know this cos she was just happy to get a massage for an hour for £5, plus the two women were old and they took both of us to the same room with two tables so what could go wrong eh? We were asked to remove our clothes, Tiwa removed her top and so she was just in her shorts and bra..no..everythingyou want me to be naked???.no..wear your pants…Tiwa was confused as fuck..She was down to her knickers…”Ope what is going on”..Meanwhile me I was already down to boxers and I am thinking “Yeah I have been working out, I am in for a treat..all my new muscles will be treated tenderly” So I couldn’t even reply her, I just left her to her destiny. Things were about to change though..

Ope are you naked?? I wasn’t. This woman had pulled down my boxers to reveal a quarter/half of my bum, I wasn’t too sure, I was freaking out! But I could feel the breeze! Tiwa had glanced over and saw a woman sitting on my ass with my upper bum exposed and she panicked. I was in full panic mode cos I know that if you are genuinely gonna give someone a massage you start at the shoulders..thats where the tension is most of the time, that’s where you start. If you are trying to “seduce” you start at the ass. THOSE ARE THE RULES!! I THOUGHT THIS WAS UNIVERSAL!. Next thing this woman pours oil on my exposed bum….I am thinking that’s it..I am gonna get fingers,  aint I? I think she could feel me tensing up my ass cos she moved to my thighs…for like 5 seconds…she didn’t even extend the courtesy of pulling my boxers back up..I could still feel the breeze..the woman turned my boxers into pants fam..she tucked in the boxers in such a way that a quarter or half (I wasn’t  too sure, I was freaking out) my ass cheeks were exposed. I felt like one of the babes from thong song. Then she poured oil and started massaging my leg/thigh/ass..at some point I started feeling the breeze again, not on the ass cos that one accepted its destiny and was now at room temperature. This breeze was a new sensation, this was coming from my balls, my left ball was compromised. Now I can allow the ass, this is a beach town, ass crack was like cleavage so fair dues. But my balls. Nope. That is where I was drawing the line. But I had a dilemma, maybe the woman was unaware that the ball was out and if I try putting it back I would draw her attention to it and it would just get more awkward. And if she was aware, the damage has been done already. She has not touched it so she is at least giving my ball its due respect. So I just laid there letting it hang and praying that this ordeal ends soon. I think I ended up relaxed though cos next thing I remember was Tiwa waking me with a scarred look on her face. Ope! She was rubbing my boo…Dude! Can we not talk about what happened here.

I got over the whole thing quick though, because the next day I was looking for another massage parlour (there is one every other store). And Tiwa was over it as well cos she wanted one too, the first place we went to had a different vibe, they were young this time, I asked how much a full massage was and she looked at Tiwa and back at me and started whispering. “I am sorry could you repeat that.””……….. ” 

oh I see…Tiwa lets go.

 Ahan why now, what happened? 

 Nothing she said its happy ending they do

What is happy ending? 

I don’t know na…

so why did you now walk away? 

cos happy ending sounded dodgy.

Hmm lemme google it.

So I stood whilst my wife googled “thai massage palour happy ending” with the full knowledge that we are never stepping foot in a thai massage palour again. 

She almost sat on the road like..

Ope did you know that in happy ending they….. 

Oh my God are you serious?! 

Till Death do us part.

first post

second post

Thirdly:

For richer for poorer
In sickness and in health 

Till death do us part…

Oya Tiwa your turn…..Tiwa…..

For richer for poorer

Till deat…TIWA!!

In sickness and in health

Till death do us part….

NICE!!! Now you are stuck with me forever.

Wedding went well, thank God! Although I could swear we had two bodyguards following us as we were dancing it. I wanted to get upset, and angry cos I told Tiwa I was not gonna partake in anything that made me look like a bigger douche than I already am and nothing screams doucebag like having two bodyguards escort you on dancefloor. But it was so surreal and I was on cloud 9 (cos I was getting married, obviously) I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasnt. I suspected nothing was real when Tiwa and myself had a dance off, at this point there was no 9 behind the cloud. Of course Tiwa later confirmed that everything was real. We did look like two douches with escorts and we had a dance off. I had to get upset retrospectively but apparently it was not her fault that I was on cloud 9 cos I was so happy.

Wedding night.

Are you ready?

I was born ready babes

Dont you have to wet it first

Hmm true, one min…Okay oya put it….ooooouuuuu

Whats wrong?

Its cold lool

Stay still jor

Okay continue

Ooouuu…dude wait why is it burning..

Wait are you sure we were meant to use it like this.

Yes na, the babe told me to rub it all over and wait for 5 mins before I enter the shower…why is my back burning, all other body parts are fine 

Dude! Your back is the most affected area, it is actually disgusting! I cant believe this is what I am doing on my wedding night!!

Eh we can still jigi jigi after I’ve showered na

Two days later we were back in UK. Tiwa made me go to the GP the next morning, she was insisting on following me in during the consultion itself as if life was that deep. Oh dear, this is really bad ain’t it?  Well yea Mr GP, it is, thats why I am here and also please for God sake don’t give a tiny tube! He didnt, he came correct and prescribed everything, powder, shampoo and cream and in addition to that we were armed with shea butter, nixoderm and sulphur from nigeria. We were about to face our first obstacle together as man and wife. Tiwa’s attitude towards the ringworm changed too after the wedding, I felt we were in this together. It felt great. I thought it would be cute to get her infected too so we can both be in it for real, rub my back and I rub yours kinda thing, but apparently that was reaching.

The ringworm is gone now, I am healed but I still make Tiwa rub the cream and powder on me every night, partly because it felt good, but mostly to send a message to the ringworm colony. This body belongs to Jesus and Tiwa..and gym. Tiwa thinks I am overdoing it now though, the ringworm is gone, there is no need to continually rub cream on my body every night and all I have to do is not wear the same shirt 5 days in a roll