Best 2017 moments

The year is winding down so it’s time to count my blessings. Here are my 10 favorite moments from the past 12 months. In no particular order (apart from the first two, I have to get the selfish ones out of the way first)

Connecting beard

If you watched my snaps in 2016 (its arzizz btw) you would appreciate the struggle. I did everything, from coconut oil to rogaine to biotin with no luck. At some point this year I said to myself, I am beautiful without the beards and I can’t come and die so I shaved it off, everything. And the God of just like that answered my prayers. The beard grew back and multiplied! My true beauty was revealed. (To be honest, it is not bushy or full like that. But it is connecting and I can’t ask for more).

Weight Lost

I was never a fatso. I have always had control over my weight. My problem is knowing when to stop. 3 years ago I decided to “cut” with the following result


I then decided to bulk. That was going well and I loved bulking until Tiwa started playing my stomach with a silly smile on her face “Ope this your stomach is not going o”. And there was the sly comment “Aww your face is chubby, it is cute”. I tried (in vain) to explain how bulking works but the bullying did not stop. So I thought you know what, lemme demonstrate it practically. So I started cutting again, properly this time without looking like a Kenyan runner . Fortunately for her (and my followers on snapchat) it is still winter so I can’t be walking around topless. But come summer eh! Speaking of summer…


My brother got engaged men. And I am super proud of him. I know the cliché thing to say is that I have watched him grow into a decent man blah blah, but there was a noticeable change when he started dating Tayo and you could actually see the transformation from a typical smart genius to a mature and socially conscious and responsible man. They are both passionate about a lot of things and it is wonderful to witness. Even more reason to love them is the fact that they have provided me with a platform to show off and walk around topless next spring. Lol my snapchat is not ready


My sister and Jude got married this year in the most turnt (do people still say that) wedding I have been to. As an adult I never met one of my sister’s boyfriend (as adult because as teens a couple of my friends tried it). The only one I met was Jude. I remember the meeting him for the first time and I though oh he is nice. And I thought that was that, I will probably catch up with him if and when he decided to marry my sister. But fair fucks to Jude, he actually made the attempt to relate to me. I remember my Dad asking him “Jude how did you manage to get Ope to be your friend” And I also though, yeah nigga how did you do that?. So when Bimbo and Jude were getting married, it wasn’t my sister marry some random dude, she was marrying a friend. And Jude is a lucky man cos in my sister he is marrying a genuinely (if at times stubborn) caring woman. I don’t think I know anyone that cares about people she is close to as much as my sister and I am excited to watch their family grow.


For the first time in my life I am able to answer the question: where do you see yourself in ten years. I now have a plan! Unfortunately in my plan there is only scope for 1 child, for the next 10 years anyways. Peradventure after 10 years Tiwa wants another child, it will be discussed. It was actually hard to fit 1 kid into that plan to be honest but hey, apparently marriage is about compromise.

Wedding Anniversary

We celebrated our 1 year anniversary in June this year (although for some reason people were under the impression that it was in December and Tiwa was indulging them, as if I am gonna just let her sneak in another anniversary). Tiwa actually unlocked another level in our marriage recently. The we need new pots and pans and plates level. I was puzzled when she told me we are getting new plates.

Ope we need new plates o

Erm why, did you actually break all the plates (she is not the tallest woman and she might have had an accident)

No, I didn’t. The plates we have are ugly!

Tiwa they are plain white plates

Exactly! We need fine ones with flowers..


We need pots too!

We don’t even cook like that!!

Then I started thinking about my marriage and how I like the fact that we actually communicate about everything even if it is trivial. (I had to let her know I was getting a VPN router a couple of weeks ago and I suspect she gave about as much fucks as I did with the plates). I really like that. My first instinct is to tell my wife or ask my wife first. I know I have the tendency of painting Tiwa as a goofy person on my blog but she is the best thing in my life. Check out the next three moments

Tiwa got a Job

Naturally I want to hate on her cos she got the job in the field I wanted but I am not that petty. She also got the job in Leeds which meant we didn’t have to relocate to London which came as a relief. The plan was to relocate to London cos all the jobs in her field were based there. I don’t know if you know this but people in London are suffering, don’t let snapchat fool you, they pay thousands to live in a cardboard box and they wake up at 5:30 every to cram inside a tube full of sweaty smelly sometimes pervy people. You then get the added bonus of occasional terrorist attacks, a dash of random stabbings and a sprinkle of acid attacks. Fuck London. I was ready to relocate for love and shit but thank God she got the jobs in Leeds. And because I am genuinely interested in her job when she talks about her day at work, I actually listen

Tiwa got a Car

This was a relief for me. Before she got it I had to drop her in the station every morning. Every morning guys. Its not the dropping of part that was killing, it was the waiting for her to finish getting ready part. And also I didn’t have to deal with the “can you please go to tesco on your way”line  You have a car now, Tiwa and you work in Leeds city centre, you too go to tesco!. There were some teething issues when she got the car cos she had to get used to driving on the motorway. She made me drive her car on the motorway at 10 pm once cos she was worried about crosswind effect so I had to establish a safe speed limit, because who drives a 1.4 litre ford hatchback at above 80 mph.

Tiwa getting her PhD

In record time as well! Her supervisors couldn’t keep up with her, she had to wait on them! She got bored of waiting and actually got a job while writing her thesis! Got me a smart one. She plans on starting her own our own consultancy firm and I am here for it. Because I am not about to form “as a man I must be the main breadwinner”. Fuck that. We are sharing that PhD and maximizing the money from it. We both doctors.


I mean :

Anyhows that is it for now, have a wonderful xmas and a happy new year


A tad bored

Your fave marriage counsellor is back. And he is bored. I am bored out of my mind. Tiwa went on a break with my Mum, sister and future sister in law. I was proper excited cos I was gonna have the house to myself, I was gonna walk around naked (I mean I did this when she was around, but there is a different kind of swagger when you walk around naked alone knowing no one is judging you). I was gonna hook up my laptop to the big screen and stream HD porn and masturbate till the skin on my dick peels off.

It started off well, I walked around naked, hooked up my laptop and I decided to stream HD porn. It felt wrong. Like so wrong. I kept thinking this is the family sitting room, I entertain guests here, I cannot just knock one off. To make things worse, our wedding pics are on the wall so it felt like she was just staring at me. And just like that, I lost the mojo to wank. So out went my skinless dick fantasy. I thought I would watch some anime, but even that one too felt like betrayal cos we watch anime together. Then it dawned on me, we have managed to sync our lives into one. I can’t do shit and enjoy it 100% percent without her.

The funny thing is that we are bored together as well. Not bored of each other, but bored as one.  That’s why I have not been posting a lot as well, there is nothing to blog about. Gone are the days of shit happening to me right left and center. Now I just sit at home and watch anime and movies. We have a membership at cineworld so we just watch movies and netflix like mumu. Speaking of movies, we saw Justice League the other day and we didn’t get why it was being panned. I personally think there is some sort of bias against DC. People for some reason just like riding marvel’s dick. I saw a tweet the other day about how marvel characters were more relatable. Really, you could relate to Thor, the god of thunder and ironman, the billionaire playboy. Yall need to stop looking for life lessons in superhero movies men.

We fucked around and watched a programme on netflix called Cosmos: A space-time Odyssey and for a nanosecond I thought maybe there is no God. For a split second, cos I remembered “one corner”, a song directly from the pits of hell. So obviously if there is a devil, there is a God.  The song is an awesome demonstration of the devils power. My theory is that the artist went to his babalawo and asked for help. The babalawo told him to get 5 tablespoons of a madman’s semen, the tongue of a dead bat and three strands of his mum’s pubic hair. He was then instructed to mix it in a concoction and consume it. He must enter the studio within three hours (he mustn’t speak to anyone on the way, obviously) once he gets to the studio he should just start uttering any fuckery that comes to his head. He should not worry about what he is doing cos Lucifer is in control. And that was that.

Meanwhile in the kingdom of hell Lucifer called Beelzebub and went dude, check this out, I am gonna make niggas start dry humping anything in sight. Beelzebub was confused, what, you mean like passa passa in Jamaica. Nah Bezzy, I mean like lamp post and gutters. Common Luccy! That is preposterous! There is no way that is gonna happen. And then Lucifer opened up youtube and played a one corner clip. Beelzebub was shooketh. Luccy that is fucking amazing. This grown man is in the gutter yall! Yo guys! Stop torturing Hitler, get over here!! Luccy play it again play it again…watch this corner oner corner…Wow this is amazing! These niggas are really humping anything in sight. Wow Luccy! you have outdone yourself this time. All hail Lucifer.

Think about that. If you danced one corner, you made Lucifer and the demons happy. Fuck you.


A tale of three cities: Birmingham 

I have a wedding in Birmingham today, a friend is getting married and I am freaking excited. Partly for him and partly cos I get to hang with all my friends from uni again. But also because I get to go to Birmingham, my favorite city in the world. I know it is not the coolest or the most beautiful or most cultured, but it has a special place in my heart.

I got my first sense of freedom in Birmingham, I remember the day my dad dropped me off on campus like yesterday, that “I am free” feeling. That night I went to pizza hut and got a large pizza and I sat on a bench in the city center at around 10 pm to eat in celebration. I felt liberated.I was liberated. I also met a lot of awesome people in the city, I made life long friends and awesome memories there. Olumide and myself joined rileys (a snooker club) which was a good few miles away from our accommodation and every now and then we would go and play pool at night and get kebab on the way back (we had our favorite kebab shop lol) while talking about the future and how awesome life was gonna be on the stroll back to campus. Lol we had a proper bromance thing going on then.

 I took some Ls as well though, it was the brokest period of my life. I clearly remember finishing work at 11:45pm and missing the last bus so I had to walk for miles. But I was a student. I remember grocery shopping filled with tesco value items. Tesco Value orange juice, as if it is by force to drink orange juice. Every Wednesday we would all get together to play footy on the astro turf and you had to beg niggas to drop 50p. I will never forget the day we spent 10 mins arguing about how many players there should be one each side. On a five-a-side pitch. Pitch clearly said 5 a side and we had niggas arguing about the numbers of players. 

Bought my first car in Birmingham too. I didnt make a lot of sensible decisions then cos I was still broke and I managed to buy a car while paying over a hundred pounds per month for insurance and I was living in an over priced accommodation because I wanted to be cool. Meanwhile mans buying tesco value bread. Think lekki big boys that have nothing in the bank account. But that was the time to be stupid because I could learn from my mistakes. I had my first krispy kreme in Birmingham too. It was a friends birthday and I remember tasting the donut and thinking this is what heaven feels like if it was food. I knew my life would never be the same again after tasting that donut. 

I had my first hangover in Birmingham and I am not talking about the mild one, I mean the waking up surrounded by your own vomit hangover. To this day I can’t drink hard liquor. I used to enter house parties with my own flask that time and I could not hold my liquor. I would get drunk and act the fool to everyone and the following morning after cleaning up my vomit I would go around apologising like.

I remember taking random walks around the canal at night and thinking one day, I will stroll around this canal with the loml (yes Tiwa, that is why we always walk around the canal).  It was in Birmingham I had my first meaningful relationship with God. I found a perfect church there in Birmingham Christian  Center, you know when you enter a church and you just know and feel like you belong there and you are filled with some next level joy. I even started going to campus fellowship to grow my spiritual life. I was in a good place with life and God. Heck I even joined choir for a min lol. Lagos undid all that though, set me back a good 10 years at least.

 I love Birmingham mehn, I can’t even lie.


*Sigh* Where did it go wrong with sheffield? Where did it go wrong? It was supposed to be a special city for me. It is the first city I lived in when we moved to uk (first city where I experienced constant water and electricity). I got my first job there. I fell in love for the first time in the city. It was meant to be awesome. And sheffield is a beautiful city as well, it is the greenest city in the uk, with hills and shit. I have narrowed the reason why I can’t stand the city dowm to three….

The Antisocial Christian 

I am stressed yall. My mum recently found out that I go to hope city church in sheffield and she didnt take it too well. At first she passed it off like “as long as you are spiritually fulfilled, thats all that matters”. But that didn’t last long. The nigerian in her came out. I should probably explain why she took it personal. My mum’s church is in sheffield too, and she is the lead pastor, actually she planted the church in sheffield about 10 years ago and it is a nice family church.Everyone knows one another and they are all friendly and caring and nice and shit. The and shit in that last statement should give you a hint about how I feel really, I don’t do friendly and caring and nice and shit. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a horrible person, infact I am friendly and caring and nice and shit, in my comfort zone/ bubble. I love my bubble, my bubble is amazing, it is under my absolute control because choose when to be friendly and caring and nice and shit.

 I also love God and worshipping him so I needed a church that would allow me to worship God in my own bubble. That’s always been my criteria, a church where the atmosphere is awesome but you can choose to remain in your own world and not mingle if you don’t want to. Hopecity was that church. They invite you for connect group and to meet people after service and shit, but I am not usually up for that so I just slip out and go home, fulfilled. In my mum’s church on the other hand, I don’t have that option. I have to stay and help out and in the process, mingle and talk and shit. I blame my siblings to be honest, they are much nicer people (or better actors). My sis was teaching the children’s class when she was living in sheffield and my brother apparently was involved with the youths when he was around, so people tend to view me with the same prism. I had a coping mechanism whenever I am in the church, I would just get the attention of a toddler to play with so whenever someone tried to approach me trying to be friendly,I just go naaaahhhh…I would talk but I am currently goo goo gaa gaaing with this little nigga.

Everything was all good until last week when we went to visit mum and she brought up the topic. My mum is slick. She started off with the “are you guys workers in your church now?”💭💭 erm no mum, being a worker means being friendly and caring and nice and shit ,but I couldn’t tell her that so I just said no, not really. She then went on to say that we need to start working in the church so we can be known in the church, 💭💭 mum thats the whole point of the set up, NOT to be known.  According to her, we need to be known in the church cos when we have children, 💭 child,  we will need the pastor of hope city to come and name the child. At this point Tiwa went “ah”. It’s true, she continued, cos I am not your pastor, it is your pastor that has to name your child. And you have explain to your mother-in-law why another pastor from sheffield is naming your child when your own mother is a pastor during the naming ceremony. 


At this point I realized I was being mind fucked on a spiritual level. She asked us point blank why we don’t come to her church but I was still stunned from how the convo went from being workers in a church to naming ceremony and I couldn’t give a concrete answer. 

Erm, I don’t like Nigerian churches?. 

What is wrong with Nigerian churches?

Oyedepo and shit?? I don’t know mum. I just feel comfortable in hope city. But you guys are the youth, you can bring innovative ideas to appeal to a younger generation like yourself and help the church improve. Hopecity is a big church, the chances of you making a big impact will be small, with us, God could really use you guys.At this point I would be a bastard to say no, plus it would really break her heart. Okay mum, we will come next week and see how it goes. Oshey oko mi, please you guys should come,its a family church and I have other people’s children helping me but my ow…its okay mum you have made the point. You guys should come early o, sunday school starts at 10.

I am a grown ass man mum. I can tell you know I won’t be coming to sunday school. But I didnt. Who would have thought at 30 something my mum would be telling me I have to go to sunday school?. Fuck me. Anyways, now I have to get ready for church, I have to mentally prep to be friendly and caring and nice and shit.

The Index finger

What do you mean by they ve towed the car?!

We ve been on an overnight flight, we were feeling sticky and we ve just been through that stupid stupid line at the immigration where you get one asstard checking your passport and a different asstard, in uniform to differentiate the level of asstardity, stamps it. We ‘ve had to wait for about 30 mins to get our luggage and by the time we got out of the airport at 6 am we were both in a pissy mood. Therefore when Tiwa’s brother called her to inform her that FAAN had towed the car meant to pick us my natural response what to look up to the sky and tell Nigeria as whole to eat a buffet of dicks. Unfortunately, I had to be the calm one, Tiwa suddenly developed Tourette’s syndrome and the words that came out of her mouth are not blog friendly. I took the phone of her and asked her brother where they were. They were in FAANS personnel office. I ran for 10 mins to get there and on getting there I was given a bill of 10,500. No argument no begging, no discussion. I looked up to the sky again and specified that the buffet of dicks being eaten by the nation should be filled with syphilis. I ran back to the airport (10mins) to change money and ran back (another 10 mins, I know the time might be trivial but that was a total of 30 mins of running, fresh of the plane. After settling the bill we drove down to the airport to pick Tiwa, cos obviously she wasn’t going to be running up and down and someone had to stay with the luggage. It was while we were loading the said luggage into the car that two uniformed asstards came to “help us”. I told them not to bother cos I know where it was leading to and sure enough, as I was about to enter the car the female asstard uttered the words “happy easter oga nothing is too, small at all at all nah hin bad”.  Jesus died for you on this day 2017 years ago ma’am his grace will be sufficient for you this Easter,don’t be greedy.

Spent the next day catching up with family and friends and on Easter Sunday my brother and Nyong came to visit us. It was all good, usual banter “haha Nyong you are now a prince” “don’t stand next to my wife you are too tall” e.t.c and then for some reason the banter led to talking about Nigeria. Now I have been on twitter, I know how these convos usually end, there is no happy ending when talking about Nigeria and for this reason I was apprehensive cos in my head the night just took a dark turn. Nyong and Temi were optimistic about Nigeria and they reckoned things won’t take long to get better. Tiwa has been in a relationship with me for over 4 years and she knows better than to believe in such fairy tales. I couldn’t give two shits so I didn’t have a lot to say. Not Nyong though. Nyong had a lot to say, Nyong was/is passionate about Nigeria, Nyong sees the good in people and was citing all the numerous times people rallied on Twitter to do one good thing or the other. Temi was more interested in the timeline, he thinks maybe in 20 years Nigeria will be on the rise. Tiwa didn’t share their views. I didn’t know how much I rubbed off on her until that day. My wife wrote the whole country off. This didn’t go down well with Nyong. Nyong came back with more good points. Temi kept going on about the number of years it would take,pata pata 25 years. I was having an awesome night. It was a close debate, then it happened.

Tiwa got up and put her left index finger on her lips and swiped from left to right. I have lived with Tiwa for a while now so I have picked up on her habits when we are arguing, whenever she puts her left index finger on her lips and swipes left to right that is it. Game over. Abort the fucking argument. I love arguing as much as the next guy but I have not cracked the code of the index finger so usually, I just wait for her to catch her breath and say whatever and walk away. Nyong does not live with Tiwa and Nyong does not know the index finger move. In fact Nyong is just learning about the index finger move now as he is reading this post and he is gonna be having a word with me on whatsapp about why I didn’t give him heads up. In my defence, I didn’t foresee any situation on a good Easter Sunday night where one of my closest friends would activate the index finger move. Now Tiwa was in her index finger mode and she was going in, not necessarily with solid points, but she was going in and that was all that matter. Nyong looked defeated but he didn’t give up or walk away, he pressed on. I looked at Nyong:


and gave me the “ope tag in look”. I knew Nyong way before I met Tiwa and we lived together in uni. Back then, it was a tag team thing, Nyong, myself and Olumide. If two of the three of us were in the same room that was enough to win any argument or debate, it’s always been a team effort. We would tag each other in and out and finish the poor opponent. So fast forward a few years, Nyong was on the ropes and he looked at his brethren to tag in. His brethen looked back at him:


How do I tag in at take down my wife who at this point had repeated the index finger move twice. Nyong is also not married and doesn’t know that first lesson of Marriage 101 is you NEVER side against your wife in public, no matter the yogo or dodo. And also Tiwa is on level three index finger and the highest level I have seen was level 2 when I was still a learner, I was freaking curious so no Nyong I wasn’t gonna tag in. I wanted to see how far Nyong was gonna last and how many level of the index finger there was and also I was getting some tips for my marriage on how to get past the index finger levels. She did the move again! Level 4! Get in Nyong you can do it. Except Nyong wasn’t doing it. Nyong was sitting his tall ass down and Tiwa was standing in front of him still going in. At this point, I honestly don’t think she was still talking about Nigeria and the last time I saw the look on Nyong’s face was when Man U beat Arsenal 8 – 2.  I started thinking Tiwa might actually get physical, level 5 is pure violence!. My uber is here guys. That was Temi. My man planned his escape without us noticing. Please take me with you. That was Nyong.60144605

So these two punks left just like that. With Tiwa stuck on level 4 and she turned to me cos obviously she has to come down to level one before stopping …ngbo do you think Nigeria…na babes I’m sleep


I wanna use this opportunity to apologise to Nyong as well but he did some good work. He took one for the team and because of the sacrifice he made that night I can now stay up to level 2 of the index finger move before I pussy out. So the night was not in vain. And when you finally get married and you need me to return the favour….


Happy Blehday

Bleh. That’s exactly how I feel…bleh. I am having one of those bleh spells, where everything is just bleh. Unfortunately it happened on my birthday week. Tiwa and I even tried to bake a cake and guess how the cake came out? Bleh. Bleh and burnt. Now Tiwa has banned cake making (at least red velvet) for the foreseeable future. Bless Tiwa sha she is trying. If you know her…hmm actually I noticed people don’t know her, yall think she is quiet and I am always disturbing her. She is not, she is always hyped. ALWAYS. HYPED. She recently started working and I was hoping her job would knock the hype down a little. I was wrong. She loves her job so she is excited every morning. Usually when I get up to go to work she is usually fast asleep, peacefully, I get dressed and tell her goodbye. Now I have to drop her off in the train station. HYPED. Happy to be going to work and shit, meanwhile I am naturally not a morning person and I usually don’t crack my first smile until around noon. And in the evening when I pick her up, she is still hyped and happy with all the responsibilities they are giving her. I sound like I am complaining about my wife being always happy, I know. I am now hoping maybe when we have kids she will calm down. But to be fair it is guilty conscience that is worrying me. I feel guilty that I am feeling bleh and I am not able to match her energy. I feel guilty that I can’t explain this bleh feeling to her and she will get it. She was so excited for my birthday and I was so…bleh. (Oh by the way this post doesn’t have any structure, I am hoping I will write long enough to reduce the bleh feeling and post something).

Now that I am thinking about it I think the bleh feeling and the guilt are related. I feel bleh and then bad that I am killing the vibe in the house and I am bringing negative chi. Also I am carless for the next week so the thought of public transport might be contributing to the blehness. The problem is not really the bus. It’s the fact that its takes 3 buses and a train to get to my office and it takes 90 mins. She literally just came in dancing “boo boo what are you doing, you are blogging abi lol! That’s on my snap.

But I love it though. I know I am moaning about it, that’s what I do. But I can’t imagine another circumstance. She doesn’t let me wallow in my blehness. She is always, always trying to do something silly to make me smile or laugh. Imagine being married to a grinch like myself. Both of us will now be feeling bleh simultaneously. At least with Tiwa when I am feeling down I try to snap out it for her sake if anything. Gosh I am so lucky sha.

I had the insight on how she got to be so chirpy when we went for Bimbo’s wedding (post for another day). We spent a couple of days in her parent’s house. Now before I continue I should say, I love my family and my upbringing and I wouldn’t change it for anything. The first thing I noticed in Tiwa’s house was how they still all ate at the dining table together as a family, all talking and shit. I started feeling weird, too much positivity. I cant remember the last time my family ate at the table together. All of us that is. I don’t think it has ever happened. Shit I made it a point of duty not to be in the same room with my dad since 1999. I remember the day like yesterday. We were all chilling in the sitting room watching NTA news like a happy family. And my dad said “Ope, go and bring the maths you practised today. A bit of a back story, when I entered JS1 my dad told me that in order to be good in maths, I have to be practising maths every day. I thought the fuck not. So when he said Ope, go and bring the maths you practised today.

I was like


I hadn’t and I got fucked up. Ever since then don’t stay in the same room as him in the house. So to be in Tiwas house with everybody happy was certainly weird. Hmm what do you know…Tiwa literally changed the tone of the blog from bleh to slightly less bleh. How about that.

The Great Gambler

I was teaching Tiwa how to play pool the other day and I remembered my dad telling me when I was younger “Ope, at the right time you will be playing pool in an air conditioned room with your friends”. Of course at that moment I was “picking pin” with sweat and snot dripping from my nose so I couldn’t give two fucks about the future. I was caught playing pool at Boda Murphy’s shop, again. And my man was punishing me and giving me life advice at the same time, my dad was adept at multitasking. And I was looking at Tiwa and I was thinking, what do you know? he was right. I remember playing pool at Boda Murphy’s shop in Abeokuta and I can tell you now, there was nothing relaxing about that shit. You could smell the tension. You chat shit when boys are playing and you get knocked the fuck out, I saw it happen. Playing pool at Boda Murphy’s shop is what you do for adrenaline rush. Boda Murphy moved into our compound from lagos and he brought a pool table and he set up shop. Boda Murphy was also hench. Not my “Drink protein shake, go to the gym at my leisure” hench, he was “life was tough” hench. Boda Murphy was also a boxer. In Summary Boda Murphy was the right sort of guy to own and run a pool table shop efficiently in Abeokuta. You don’t fuck with Boda Murphy. I learnt this the hard way as well, I called him by his birth name once, “Boda Morufu” and I saw him clench his fist and I could smell the punch hitting me. I don’t know why he was pissed cos I preferred Morufu but I preferred being a fine boy more, so Murphy it was.

Boda Murphy trained his two cousins, Tunde and Kazim to be Jedi Masters in pool. They were good but Kazim was better. If you had no one to play with, you challenged the “house”, and you begged to play Tunde first and if you beat Tunde then you played Kazim. And if you beat Kazim, well, you get Boda Murphy. You don’t beat Boda Murphy. Oh I am not saying no one was good enough to beat Boda Murphy, but if you were that good, you don’t waste your talent challenging the house, na fuck that. You gambled. That was where the fun was. Gambling. (Quick rundown of how pool works if you don’t know for whatever reason. 16 balls, 7 reds, 7 yellows, one black, one white. Use the white to get all your colors in the hole and then get the black ball in the hole before your opponent, that’s it). Everyone would gamble, including yours truly. Boda Murphy had no code. If you want to gamble, gamble, he is not gonna ask where you got the money from at that age, he was not your conscience. I remember when I was caught stealing once (funny story) and the whole estate was on my case including Boda Murphy and my nigga went “AH OPE KI LO FI ADURU OWO YE SHEY” (ope what did you use the money for). And I was looking at this nigga like.

And come to think of it we were like 13-14. We didn’t need money, well I didn’t. I didn’t know about sex then, I didn’t have a crush, I could not care less about fashion, we didn’t know jack shit. I mean we dabbled in porn. Which was weird now that I think about it now, cos it was like 6 13 year olds sitting around watching porn with full erection and we didn’t know what the fuck to do with it. We didn’t know about wanking then, well I didn’t. We took a break from porn though, after an incident in Balo’s house. Balo was my neighbourand we all gathered to watch porn in his house as per usual and Nepa did its thing. Balo panicked, we all sat there with erections so we couldn’t get up to stop him. Balo picked the VCR and smashed it in a bid to get “womb raider” out of the VCR. He reckoned it was easier to explain to his dad, the area Imam, how the VCR got smashed than explaining what Womb Raider was doing in the VCR. It didn’t work out yall. I know it didn’t work out cos we left Balo to his destiny and I didn’t see Balo again until I went back for NYSC in 2012. But I ve digressed.

My friends and I reconsidered our gambling career, not cos we lost Balo or cos we were losing money. Nah, we witnessed a fight between Boda Murphy and S.D. Oh what is a S.D?, it stands for “Senior Devil”. (Guys, I know it all sounds like Dodo and I wish it was and at least you can understand why I am perfectly happy living in barnsley and having Tiwa make up my face for excitement. I have seen all there is to see in one lifetime). They called him Senior Devil, not the Spanish Senor o, this was abeokuta in the late 90s early 00s, we were not that exposed. He got the name from Egba High School. He terrorized his fellow students,juniors and neighbouring schools so much that they concluded that the appropriate title he deserved was Senior Devil. That was 4 years prior to Boda Murphy’s arrival. Senior Devil was the Local Champion before Boda Murphy moved into the estate and naturally there was bad blood. They played it off as banter but we all saw it.Things erupted when Senior Devil accused Boda Murphy of cheating during a game (there was a lot of money riding on it and also Boda Murphy did cheat). And it kicked off. There are somethings you can’t put into words, a fight between two area champions is one of them. Cos, a) you can’t even separate them, no one was strong enough and most importantly, b) IT WAS FUCKING AMAZING TO WATCH! It had it all…sweat blood….broken was breath taking. But after the fight the youngins sat down and we thought nah..pool is too violent we are too young for this. We needed something simple that required no great skill, that no one could accuse another of cheating, something small.

Dice. We reckoned dice was better than pool. We would give throwing dice a go. We did and it was beautiful. Witnessing the joy on someones face after rolling 6, 4 turn into despair after his opponent rolls 6, 5 is something you need to do in your lifetime. We made the mistake of letting Senior Devil join us once (cos obviously he was banished from playing pool) and he took us hostage. My man lost all his money and he insisted that we lend him money to give him a chance of winning his money back. We didn’t, and he wanted to stake his mother’s T.V. Sikiru (the one with the sharp mouth out of us) said “Senior Devil we have T.V in our…” He didn’t finish the statement before Senior Devil extracted stew and a tooth from his mouth. Again I love money, but I loved my fine face more so I jejely gave Senior Devil my share and begged him to let me go. I later discovered that that was the basic principle of robbing. After that S.D got banished from our compound. 

We didn’t let that discourage us though. It was a new term and my Dad gave me money to get two pairs of uniform. It was a lot of money and naturally I used it to gamble. It was a bunch of us but Sikiru was the one with the most money that could match me. Dele Taiwo’s funky juju was playing in the background and I was on a hot streak. And if you know how annoying I am now, I was worse then. 

Sikiru was sweating, the money was from his mother’s shop. Dele Taiwo’s voice was blasting and I was having a sing along

🎵Show me baby, show your samba!!🎵

SK: 3,2

Ope: 4,4

🎵Show me baby, show your samba!! Make I see your back o, show your samba make I see your back o!🎵

SK: Ope da ke (shut up, as If I was distacting him), 4,4

Ope: 6,3..(I am already picturing how I was gonna enter the school canteen like a boss. Rice 50 indomie 30, eran 30, eja 50)

🎵Shake it baby, shake your samba, shake your samba, make my headie turn o, shake your samba make my headie turn o🎵

SK: Ma gba eti e o….1,1

Ope: Won bi e da….3,5

🎵Don’t go baby, rain dey fall o, make we enter, con do exercise o, suflii sufli make I help you sleep o🎵

Sikiru got up and enter his father’s room. And he came out with moremoney and he challenged me to all or nothing round. And I am looking at this dude like, mate, pity your parents na. But I was on streak and Dele Taiwo was still singing

🎵Don’t go baby🎵

SK: 3,1

Ope: 1,1

Dele Taiwo changed his tune and now Sikiru was singing

🎵Awa loko omoge to’ fu won ni shiki shiki🎵